Krazy Kai
by Greenfrie
Summary: A villager, Kai, isn't acting how he usually does. Is the cause completely ridiculous? It's one of my fics, so of course it is! Ch 19, patience, guys! Don't kill me! is up. Genre changed again.
1. Mistakes

Kai's been acting strangely lately. What's been causing it? I don't own Harvest Moon. Maybe it's a good thing that I don't. Anyway, let's start the fic!

**Chapter One: Mistakes**

As the sun set, the buyer marched up to the run-down farm, nearly trampling the dog. Jack stared at the moron that nearly ran over his dog.

"Can you even watch where you go?" he asked. "And where do you take my crops?"

The buyer began to sweat nervously. He wiped the sweat with a towel that came from the unnoticable pocket in his pants.

"Er, you see..."

"Goodbye," Jack said, rolling his eyes in pity. As the buyer left, the farmer muttered things to himself as he walked to his bed. "Every day is the same. Forage for some measly plants to sell, sow seeds, sell other stuff, be ignored by the love of my life..."

Jack cursed under his breath and staggered into bed. He forgot about her. He forgot about the rejection he suffered. He forgot about Karen. Now he was reminded. The farmer went to sleep, wondering what would happen.

The next day, Jack hopped out of bed, forgetting to put clothes over his underwear. He raced outside, eager to see if his plants were growing. Outside, someone was waiting for him. The young man's face was red from embarrassment as he looked at the visitor's face. Karen.

Her green eyes sparkled in the sky, then widened as soon as she saw Jack's less-than-appropriate clothing.

"Er... hi..." she greeted, staring at him. Karen tried to restrain laughter.

"Hello, and sorry," the farmer replied. "You look like..."

While Jack was thinking of a good word to say, his lovable horse dashed towards him. The horse was so excited he accidentally trampled half the plants.

"CRAP!" exclaimed the farmer. He felt a powerful slap across his face. "Oops. You don't look like crap... you look like..."

The girl stormed off, giving Jack the finger. The farmer smacked himself in the head. He glared at the horse, who looked sympathetically at him. Either that or he wanted a share of the farm's profits.

"Tomorrow is another day..." he reassured himself. "I'll get her some flowers and we'll look back at this some day and laugh." Yeah, right.

The next day, Jack walked up to the flower shop, where Popuri was dancing around. Her pink hair and happy expression made it clear that she was enjoying herself. She was watering flowers that seemed to have been dead since last fall. The farmer greeted the strange person and walked up to the door.

"I knew you'd come to ask me on a date!" she exclaimed joyously. "Yay! I will!"

Jack stared at her, confused. "Er- actually I was trying to buy flowers for Karen."

Popuri's face turned flaming red. She snatched the axe from Jack's backpack and held it near his back. Evil thoughts filled her mind. _Go on... kill him. There are no police in the village. No one will notice..._

"How much for those?" he asked, pointing to the red flowers growing in the greenhouse nearby.

"Er- they're not for sale," stated the gardener, hiding her weapon. "I told you that seven times before."

"Sorry, I never really listen to you."

Popuri took out the axe again, sharpening it on a gate. Her eyes turned red like fireballs, matching her face. She took a wild swing and cut open Jack's hat.

"PSYCHO!" shouted the farmer, running for his life. "I should just find some flowers by the mountains."

Popuri sighed. _You've got to stop getting angry, _she told herself_. After all, you like Jack. Control yourself, damn it…_

After foraging for flowers, Jack walked up to the vineyard. Karen's father was yelling as loud as humanly possible, which meant Karen was home. It was nighttime now. He climbed a tree to spy. Jack stared at the door, waiting to see if she was leaving.

After a few minutes of listening to arguments, Jack was finally happy. The door opened, but as soon as he looked at who was coming out, he was furious. Karen and Kai walked away, holding hands.

Kai. Jack had always despised him, ever since they first met. Kai had always was mad at Jack when Jack visited Karen. He was a young man with tan skin and a purple bandana that confused everyone to no end. Why was he always wearing that?

Jack felt his heart rip in half as he stared in disbelief as he watched them. Then he felt his non-vital organs rip in half as he fell out of the tree and onto the hard ground. He uttered a loud shriek that echoed across Flower Bud Village. No one seemed to care that a farmer was on the ground in agony. Jack staggered to the Potion Shop.

After that experience, Jack was ready to be healed. At last he reached the Potion Shop. He reached over to the shiny doorknob. As he twisted the doorknob and pulled, Jack noticed a sign hanging on the door: Closed. The farmer passed out until the next day.

After the very simple surgery of being pounded by a hammer, Jack was back on his feet. He ran over to the Flower Shop, muttering about Kai being suspicious. Popuri was there, ready to either hug or kill Jack.

"Hi, Jack!" Popuri said enthusiastically, embracing Jack tightly.

"Ow... my non-vital organs!" said the injured farmer. "Stop squeezing meee..."

When the flower store worker let go, Jack explained his situation. Popuri nodded, grabbing her axe. As soon as the farmer turned around, the axe was gone. An angelic smile spread across Popuri's face.

"So that's why I think Kai is eeevvil," Jack concluded in a slightly paranoid tone.

"Why not pick me?" Popuri asked in a I'm-nice-and-am-not-holding-a-weapon tone.

"Because…" Jack started, but caught a glimpse of the axe and decided to change his mind. "Oh what the hell, I'll give it a shot."

Once again, Jack had his non-vital organs crushed.

Later that night, Jack tossed a few plants he found in the woods in the wooden box. Then the buyer walked blindly onto the farm and gathered the crops, along with a wristwatch that Jack accidentally dropped.

"Wow, a gold watch!" he exclaimed. "I hit the Jackpot!"

Jack stared at the wall, wondering about how his date would be. Popuri was possessive and incredibly creepy when other girls were mentioned. Now if Jack made a single wrong move, the axe he used to cut lumber would cut his neck. After worrying some more, he looked at his watch to see what time it was.

The watch was gone.

Jack just ran to Popuri's house, not knowing the time. She greeted him happily and dragged him to the mountains, where a restaurant was.

"When was there a building here?" Jack asked. "Those building guys always come to ask me for help when they're trying to build some crazy thing up here, so I'd know if this was up here."

"I think the sprites built it," Popuri answered, motioning to the gnome-like creatures in the corner.

"Blegh, these flowers on the table are ugly," Jack commented, pointing to decaying purple flowers on the table. Flies circled them, then left.

Popuri turned red, with both embarrassment and anger. "I planted those…" she said, twitching in restrained rage. "Though it's not my best work, you still…"

"Oh crap…" Jack moaned, trying to think of a topic to discuss. "So, how about that party on New Years?"

"Oh yeah," she responded, still mad. "I saw what happened there. You and that Karen were off having fun while I passed out!"

"You should be able to handle your alcohol," he said. "If you want to even try to stay conscious during that festival, that is."

"That sounds like something Karen would say!" Popuri snapped.

_For the love of the Harvest Goddess, _Jack thought, _how can I even try to survive this?_

"Ello-hay," the harvest sprite waiter greeted. "At-whay o-day ou-yay ant-way?"

"What is he saying?" Popuri asked.

"It's pig-Latin," Jack answered. "Eak-stay ease-play."'

"Salad please," Popuri said.

"Alad-say," Jack translated to the gnome. _Geez, first she's obsessed with plants, and now she's also eating them? What the hell?_

Jack was even more nervous now that everything he brought up was considered an insult. How could Jack ever survive? All that was on his table was salt, pepper, and two menus. Maybe MacGyver could make a fire with this to burn the place so he could escape, but he was only a simple twenty-something year old farmer. If only he'd kept those smoke bombs he had as a kid….

Meanwhile, chaos ensued in the kitchen. The harvest sprites couldn't cook very well, seeing as they had to jump just to reach the oven. Obviously, one knocked an ember onto the ground, which quickly spread through the wooden frame of the building.

"Is that smoke I smell?" asked Jack, looking at the door.

"No," Popuri insisted. "The sprites are great cooks."

A thick black cloud emerged from the crack beneath the door. "Oh God!"

"What'll we do?" Popuri cried, scared to death.

"Uh…."

"Uh…" has to be the worst thing to hear someone say during a crisis.

"I know!" Jack exclaimed.

Jack grabbed the watering can from his backpack in a hurry. He jerked it towards the flames and sent a wave of water at the raging fire. It helped, but not nearly enough. When he tried to spray the water at the flames again, it was empty. There was only one thing to do.

"Get out!" the panicked farmer cried, pushing Popuri out the window. He rushed out also.

"Wow…" Popuri said, soaking wet after falling into a pond. "You saved me."

"It was nothing," boasted Jack, out of breath. "I saved you, and that's all that matters."

As Jack finished that statement, the flames doubled in size.

"Shouldn't you save the sprites?" suggested the pink haired girl.

"How?" Jack asked, forgetting about the small pond next to him. "Let's just go."


	2. Battle at the Green Ranch

_It's back! It's alive! Well, here's the second chapter. A little bit more cursing than in the other parts of the fic. And blood. Let the battle BEGIN!_

**Chapter Two: Battle at the Green Ranch**

Jack climbed out of bed against his will. This time he made sure that he was properly dressed before walking outside to complete his tasks.

When he walked out onto the beautiful summer day, he saw that his crops had grown well. The stalks of corn were ready to be harvested and the tomatoes were bright red and incredibly healthy.

"Maybe I'll take it easy today," Jack suggested to himself. "Walk around town and hang out. That'll be good for me."

Since Jack was so busy clearing all the weeds from the land, he never really saw his neighbors at the Green Ranch except when they gave him a horse. "Maybe I'll go there," he decided.

As he stepped off his land, he noticed the vineyard. Kai was working hard with a carefree smile on his face. His purple bandana was drenched in sweat as he picked random grapes. Jack knew he was no good. Well, he was paranoid as hell, anyway.

"The bastard," Jack muttered. "He's probably poisoning the grapes."

He took a few steps toward the ranch, but stopped abruptly. What if it was just like last time? What if Ann would steal his ax and hack his head off if he did something stupid? He shuddered and gathered the courage to go to the ranch.

The Green Ranch had healthy grass that was colored as the name would suggest. Healthy animals roamed freely in the pasture, while Ann and her mysterious brother Gray were brushing the horses.

His name may have been Gray, but he was really a bid black-hearted in Jack's eyes. He was always glaring at Jack and saying "you can't do anything". His baseball cap concealed his eyes shadowed his face, making him look menacing.

"Hello, Gray!" greeted Jack, smiling but secretly wishing that Gray wouldn't hurt him.

"What do you want?" he snapped, affectionately petting a sheep. It amazed Jack how much he hated people yet loved animals.

"Um… I just wanted to visit you guys," Jack stammered.

"Heh," chuckled Gray, "So Kai-"

"Yes, dammit!" Jack was now ticked off. "Can I speak to Ann?"

A vein bulged on Gray's forehead. "Get the off my property…"

"What's the big deal?" Jack asked, retreating in fear.

"No one goes near her…" the young man stated, grabbing what appeared to be sheep shearers in his hand.

"Jack!"

A girl with long, orange hair ran up to Jack. She had a wide smile on her face and what seemed to be a cloud in her arms. The farmer soon saw that it was really a sheep.

"His name is Mahameyoshu," Ann explained, "which was the ancient Sheep God of the Harvest Sprites."

"Wow…" the farmer said.

"I remember you bought a sheep. What'd you name it?"

_Way to friggin' go, _Jack thought_, you named him Sheepy. How the hell can that compare to Mahe….mara…. yoshi….. whatever?_

"Sheepy," he replied sheepishly (pun intended).

"Can I see him?" asked Ann.

"Sure!" Jack answered. "Let's go."

---

The orange haired girl turned to Sheepy, who was lying down lazily. His wool was clipped already. "She's so cute."

"Yep, my favorite animal in the world," stated Jack, causing the cow to glare with jealousy and hatred. The cow muttered, "I'll kill him later," in her native language.

"Wanna walk around town?" asked Ann. "I'm bored."

---

The two wandered around near the library, talking about random things.

"That's why I'm not allowed to own a toaster," concluded Jack, ending a long and…..interesting tale.

"So there's the graveyard…" Ann muttered, walking toward the gray stones marking the graves. "There's the animal cemetery."

"Yeah…" Jack muttered, walking towards it.

"I'm so glad it's never been used," she sighed in relief. "Wait a minute! There was one! Chi the chicken…"

Jack smacked himself in the forehead. _Crap. Way to go! You bought that accursed chicken, then it died. Now you're doomed…_

"Hey, it died this year…" Ann read. "Well, we share these graves with a neighboring village; no doubt it was from the….. THE HIO FARM!"

"Eh heh he…"

_**WHAM!**_

Jack knew he shouldn't have carried a hammer in his backpack in a time where someone could get mad at him. He drifted through the sky, blood dripping on those unfortunate enough to stand under him.

"Blood fell from the sky," Stu, a young boy, observed.

"Well children," the priest began casually, "It means… THAT WE HAVE ANGERED GOD AND **ARE BEING ATTACKED BY THE DEVIL**! RUN!"

"I'm no devil…" whimpered the wounded farmer.

"What was that?" the priest asked. "THE DEVIL IS HERE! GET 'EM!"

---

After eating a few dozen medicinal herbs, Jack was feeling better. Of course, his clothes were blood-stained, so he decided to wash them in the ocean.

"I really need a washing machine…" he muttered, walking out of the barn. Then he paused.

To get to the beach he'd have to walk through the Green Ranch.

"Ah, shi-"

"JACK?"

A forty-something year old man with orange hair and a mustache marched out to meet Jack. He seemed aggravated, and because of his orange hair it was obvious that he was Ann's father.

"So…" he mumbled, "you doing okay?"

Jack sighed in relief. He recalled that the ranch owner always looked a bit mad even when he was happy.

"Not really. Ann found out about Chi. And whacked the hell out of me with my own hammer that's powerful enough to crush stones."

"Bah, you screwed up. It was your first chicken. Just don't screw up again."

"I don't," Jack started, "In fact, my animals now are healthy and happy. But if I walk through the ranch to get to the sea, I won't be like them."

The ranch owner chuckled, than splashed a can of glue all over the younger farmer.

"What the heck!"

Ann's dad grabbed some wool he was going to sell and tossed it at Jack. The glue made it stick to his body.

"Mister…. I'm getting sick from the glue fumes…"

"Shut up; you look like a sheep. Sneak out."

It was a relatively good plan, despite being completely insane (Jack's taste in plans is very bad as you can assume, as was the other rancher's). Jack decided to go along with it. What was the worst that could happen?

"Is that Mahameyoshu!" Ann exclaimed, thinking her sheep was running away. "He's running to the beach! I've gotta stop him!"

"OH COME ON!" Jack shouted. After shouting, he mentally smacked himself. "How can this get worse?" he muttered, being careful so he wouldn't be heard.

"JACK!" A vein in Ann's head bulged. "You're doomed. GRAY!"

Ann's brother sprung out of the bushes, a large sickle in hand. The silver blade glinted in the setting sun. It was like a B-rated ninja film.

"Prepare to die…" he muttered.

"Geez, he's a tad anti-social," observed Jack, using sarcasm in a bad situation to do so in.

Jack reached into his backpack, pulling out a small sickle. Hey, it needed to be small to fit into a backpack, right?

"Damn it…" Jack muttered. "Should have bought a better one…"

Grey dashed towards the other farmer, the sickle looking as if it would finish Jack off. The anti-social farmer just glared as the other prayed for his life. He swung the blade, about to cut straight through Jack's neck…

Blood splattered onto the ground, and Grey's eyes widened at what he had just done.

"D-d-DAD!"

The owner of the Green Ranch, Grey's dad, stood behind Jack. Apparently, he was behind him when Jack ducked.

"Well, I was going to push Jack out of the way so that he wouldn't be killed. Now I've got a bloody gash in my gut. Guess I should get faster with my movements…" The older farmer coughed then resumed his speech. "Anyway, young Jack made a mistake. I've made mistakes like that too, you know. In fact, if I recall correctly, Gray killed a chicken too."

Ann stared at the ground sheepishly. "Yeah… I guess I can forgive Jack for that." She turned to Jack, who was heavily injured. "I'm sorry. Just **NEVER FUCK UP LIKE THAT AGAIN, OR I'LL COME AFTER YOU!**"

"Watch the language, Ann."

"Sorry dad."

---

"What a day…" muttered Jack, collapsing onto his bed. "Yow!"

**Dear Diary, I never want to relive this day again. My luck has seriously gone downhill since Kai… well, you know. I wrote it a few days ago. I hope things get better soon…**

…**and that I don't ever fuck up like that again and have Ann come after me…**

…**or have to pay Mr. Green's medical bills.**

**--Jack. **

"Hey, who's there!"

A Harvest Sprite dropped Jack's diary and dashed out the door before he could be caught.


	3. Death Wears Purple

_Yeah, in update. Don't shout "huzzah!" or dance in the streets or anything. This chapter focuses more on the plot rather than me insane sense of humor. Don't worry, I slipped a few jokes in there. But let me tell you this: chapter four is so over-the-top insane that it'll make up for this one. Enjoy anyay._

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Three: Death Wears Purple**

Jack woke up on slightly red sheets. He ached from the experience at the Green Ranch yesterday.

In a few hours, his chores were finished. Jack looked at the watch strapped onto his backpack.

"Ten," he muttered, "Maybe I have time to go around town for a bit."

He strolled past the vineyard, wincing every step until it was out of sight. The sign reading "Florist Lillia" drew nearer, and then-

"HI JACK!"

"Bwa-!"

Popuri jumped up to greet Jack. The farmer inched back, sweating in surprise.

"Hi Popuri, what's up?" Jack would have said 'What the hell!', but controlled himself. He tried to hide the anger in his voice.

"Nothing really…" she started, "I still can't believe Gray went so insane!"

"I guess he's a jerk," Jack speculated. "What can you do?"

"He is not!" protested Popuri. "He loved horse racing!"

"So…?" muttered the farmer. "He's surrounded by them. He should be happy. You see, my friend, that's called _logic_."

"He can't race."

The pink haired girl sighed and eyed the flowers on the ground. They were all dried up and dead. "Poor Gray fell during one of the annual horse races. Well, the horse did. Someone sabotaged him. The horse never ran again. Gray's legs are so bad he could barely walk until six months later."

Jack felt like he was shot in the chest. He had judged Gray, and yet he had lost the one hobby he cared most about.

"Jack, you should really get to know the villagers," Popuri told him, watering a flower growing near the side of the store. "I mean, we're friends, you know a few people, but do you know Jeff's age?"

"Fifty?" Jack guessed jokingly.

"Older."

Jack gulped, realizing that Jeff had a crush on Elli, who was young enough to be his daughter. He shuddered. For several minutes, actually. Well, there just _had _to be a way to cut the drama short.

* * *

Jack spent the rest of the day talking to Ann and Gray, mainly apologizing for the incident yesterday. By the end of the day, even Gray wasn't scowling and plotting Jack's untimely demise (He was just doing one of those. I'll leave which one to your imagination.)

The daylight was drained from the sky, which was reduced to pitch black with some pale red swirled in. Jack just sat near the fence at the village, leaning back and staring at the stars.

"Hey."

Jack shifted his eyes to the west, where Gray was leaning against the other fence.

"Sorry about… y'know…"

"Yeah," Jack replied, "I know what you mean." _Trying to decapitate me in a fit of pure rage…_

"Wanna go to the bar?" Gray suggested. "I mean… today Duke gives free drinks. He never tells newbies, in fact, he keeps it a secret to still make money. Oh yeah, and this is _not_ a gay thing."

"Er...yeah, I know."

"Okay, just making sure that you didn't think it would lead to weird yaoi stuff."

"Uh, I didn't..." Jack stared, and pushed the weird thoughts out of his mind for a moment.

* * *

The two trudged off to the bar, looking into the empty windows.

"Wow, the village seems to die overnight…" commented Jack. "The city's always alive."

"Yeah, some days I'd ride ol' Cliffgard through the town at night," Gray said, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. "That bastard Kai kept yelling at me. But I still kept riding. It took the accident to stop me."

Gray's words echoed in the back of Jack's mind: _Kai kept yelling at me for it. But I still kept riding. It took the accident to stop me. _A bad feeling sent a chill through Jack's body.

"Was the accident planned!" the farmer exclaimed, causing Gray to look at him strangely.

"The definition of accident is an unfortunate unplanned event. Jack, let's just go to the bar," suggested Gray, opening the door. "I guess you're an okay guy, but don't make an ass of yourself at the bar."

Jack walked through the door, only to see half of the town's male population. Karen leaned against the wall, having delivered the last of Jeff's beers.

"Hello and welcome," she muttered.

"It was a misunderstanding!" Jack exclaimed. "I was saying something when an accident cut me off!"

"You'll need to prove it first," Karen said, glaring.

"Yeah you jerk," Kai injected, pushing Jack and breaking part of his bottle. "I heard what you said!"

Jeff raised an eyebrow before sipping his beer. Kai was so kind when they talked, back when Kai used to wear a strange red bandana instead of the strange purple one. This wasn't like him, and Jeff knew it. Purple just wasn't his color.

"Kai…" muttered Duke the bartender, shaking his head. "I don't care what you guys are doing, but I'm not wiping no one's blood off the counters."

"Don't worry," Kai boasted, grabbing a broken shard of glass. "I'll soap up all the blood with my extra bandana."

"I don't want a fight!" exclaimed Jack, retreating. "Can I just get a beer in peace? Look, what I said was an accident!"

"Talk doesn't prove anything," the vineyard worker snapped.

"Look Kai, you're the calmest of all of us next to Harris," Duke said. "Sure this Jack guy pissed you off, but does it matter?"

Kai's eyes began randomly changing color. The color-changing eventually stopped. "I need to get out of here…" His eyes flashed red. "But you're lucky, Jack."

"At least I'm not dumb enough to cut my own hand open," muttered Jack, trying to not let it be heard.

Gray rolled his eyes. "Jack, you picked a fight with KAI? Wow, you really are stupid. I mean, how the hell can you get a pacifist to start trying to beat you up? Hell, that's like getting Gandhi to beat the crap out of you."

"Good to have friends," the farmer muttered, thumbing through a menu. "Duke, can I have a beer?"

"Sure," Duke said enthusiastically. "Drink here every night! Spend all your money here!"

"Duke, I know it's free."

"Damn it to hell!"

* * *

Jack left the bar, feeling like a moron. His heartbeat finally slowed from Kai's outburst. Even he was surprised.

"So Jack," Karen cut off his thoughts, "I see you were scared back there."

"Yeah," Jack stopped walking, "I admit it. I'm afraid of getting my flesh ripped open by drunks at a bar. It's true."

"I don't get it…" she muttered, hiding back tears, "What the hell is wrong with Kai? I mean, I trust him, but then he goes and… Wait." She paused, then glared. "Why should I tell you?"

"Actually," started Jack, "I didn't ask-"

"It doesn't matter," Karen said, "I can tell you this; you'll just go back to the city and never see anyone here again."

"No, I'm here for life."

"…"

"Huh?"

"GET AWAY FROM ME! TRYING TO FIND OUT MORE, HUH? WELL GO THE HELL AWAY!" Karen turned red, but Jack was gone long before she could make him leave. "Good riddance."

* * *

Jack sighed and leaned against the chair in his house. He sorted through some mail Harris delivered, until one caught his attention. In bright red letters "URGENT" was scribbled on it. Jack ripped open the envelope, and a small slip of paper fell out.

"Come to the beach at 8:30," read the farmer, who immediately dashed outside.

The watch strapped to Jack's wrist read "8:15", and before long had changed to "8:29". Sure enough, a man hidden by the shadows was standing near the ocean.

"Hello, Jack. 'Tis I, Jeff." Jeff approached Jack. He was wearing a cloak with a hood.

"Er… why are you wearing a disguise? You didn't like… kill someone and toss them into the Harvest Goddess Pond, did you?"

"…No. Eh heh…of course not. But I do have news about Kai. It seems that once you moved he replaced his red bandana with the purple one. Since then, he acts strangely at times. I think it's cursed."

"CURSED!" exclaimed Jack. "That's a load of rubbish. How could an article of clothing be cursed?"

"Jack, we live in a village where a goddess lives in a pond amongst gnomes that speak Pig Latin. Anything's possible."

"True."

Jeff flicked a note at Jack, who picked it up when it dropped to the sands. The bakery owner disappeared in a puff of red smoke, but the note still existed. It read: _Find a way to rid us of the purple bandana, and Kai will be rid of the spell. Just beware, for this is more dangerous than you believe._


	4. A Farmer's Stealth

_After a breif wait, Chapter Four has arrived! And with it comes a hell of a lot of insanity. Blood shall be spilled..._

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Four: A Farmer's Stealth**

Jack was only focused on one object—the allegedly cursed purple bandana. The young farmer had painted himself from head to toe in blue paint that matched his clothes. And if he had jumped into the sky, he would go undetected.

His plan was to jump from rooftop to rooftop, just like in those crappy action films he saw back in the city. But being a rookie farmer and not a trained ninja, his backflips often sent him crashing to the ground in agony.

But Jack tried to avoid backflips. Nothing could mess up his plan. He'd catch the cursed man off guard and cut the bandana in two of Kai's head. No plan could be simpler.

Well, so he thought, anyway. The plan went smoothly for a little bit. Jack jumped easily from house to house, but while trying to reach the mayor's mansion he almost missed! He gripped the tiled roof tightly, praying that no one could see him. Thankfully, he pulled himself up before that could happen. It would have been rather odd for a villager to see a Smurf-like being trying to jump on top of a house.

Suddenly, he saw the three local children, Kent, Stu, and May, run towards town square. He could only see the tops of their heads from where he stood, but it was obvious that it was them.

"Huh?" muttered Jack. "I don't think there's a festival today…" Jack took a schedule from his pocket. Nothing was planned. "Weird…"

Suddenly, some one left the Town Square. _They must have scheduled something and forgot to invite me… _Jack thought. But the top of this person's head was purple! It just had to be Kai!

The ninja (as he claimed to be) jumped from the mansion's roof, scythe in hand. As he fell, he smirked at the victory that kept getting closer every inch he fell.

_Shick! _Jack sliced the purple bandana in two, causing bits of cloth to drop onto the ground. Also dripping to the ground was a little bit of blood. That wouldn't have been a problem, since the curse was supposed to be broken.

But this was the mayor.

The clown-like man was lying on the village ground, bleeding a bit. Bits of his new bandana were stained red. He just muttered, "I…shouldn't…have…started…the…Purple…Bandana Festival…" before fainting.

In some villages, crime is so rare that police forces do not exist. In such communities, disputes are settled by angry mobs. Jack cursed under his breath. Soon enough, a purple bandana-clad mob appeared in front of him.

The priest tossed off his bandana and said, "These caused nothing but trouble!" The other villagers removed their bandanas and stomped on them as well.

"You know what this means…?" asked the shipper. "Lessee… Basil's turn, I believe."

The botanist approached Jack, holding a baseball bat. Since baseball was rarely played in this village, it was often called 'instrument of pain and suffering'. And Jack now knew why it was called that. Basil's pink haired daughter took snapshots with her camera. But eventually, the blue paint was removed and Jack's identity was revealed.

"J…Jack!" exclaimed Popuri. "But…why? Why would you attack our mayor?"

Gray shook his head and turned away. "What the hell's the matter with you? You just like to start fights, is that it?"

"Shit…" groaned the farmer. "But I swear-I had good intentions!"

"That's what every criminal says," spat Gray. "Well…I think so. But at least one-eighth of them say it!"

And one-eighth was, coincidentally, the amount of Jack's flesh that was covered in bruises and blood. Jack didn't have the time for irony or math, because he was still getting the tar beat out of him.

* * *

By the end of the day, Jack couldn't move at all. He had to wait for the rain to loosen the soil for him to slide back home. No one bothered to look at him.

But that wouldn't discourage Jack. After a few hours, he managed to suck up bits of potion left on the grass from when he spilled it. When he woke up, that gave him the basic ability to walk, but it was a start.

But when he was still asleep, a strange dream floated into his mind…

_A little girl was sitting in a dark room, crying._

"_Daddy, I'm sorry!" she cried. "I promise never to light your crops on fire again… It was just out of anger, daddy."_

_A round light appeared in the wall. Suprisingly, a young boy appeared in front of the girl. He extended his hand toward her, and he pulled her up._

"_Are you okay?"_

"_Yes…thank you…"_

After waking, Jack thought of that dream as a scene from a "good citizenship" movie from third grade. But that wouldn't matter. He was going to the vineyard.

This time, he would certainly catch Kai and knock off the bandana once and for all! Instead of cutting it off, which did more harm than good (…well, no good), he would instead just pull it off.

Jack selected the tree by the vineyard to be his spying place. It brought back old memories. But it was a double-edged sword.

On one hand, the tree was an ideal place to spy. On the other hand, failure meant falling and injuring body parts of varying importance. Oh well. He survived worse…

…Barely.

He climbed up the tree branches up onto the top. Kai and Karen were walking back from the mountain. Jack pushed away the leaves. If Kai tried to kiss her, he'd jump down and rip that goddamned bandana straight off his head.

...Er, for the sake of being a good citizen.

They started to kiss. Of course, the farmer was outraged.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

Oops. That shout was loud enough to catch Kai's attention. There was no way Jack could escape from the tree in time. _Bwak!_ A few grapes were tossed at his head with incredible speed. Injured, the farmer fell out of his hiding spot and onto the ground.

"You damned spy…" muttered the man in the purple bandana. "It's time for you to stop acting like a wannabe ninja!"

He tried to punch Jack while he was on the ground, but Jack jumped up and climbed halfway up the tree. Just like his pet cat did back in the city.

"COWARD!" Kai jumped up and swung his fist at the farmer once more. "I knew that a lousy farmer like you could never show any courage!" He hit Jack again. "All you can do is attack while hiding! That's all you can do!"

Jack's eyes narrowed. He had never confronted him. He always hid on roofs or trees or some other ridiculous hiding place.

_BWASH!_

Karen's jaw dropped. Jack kicked his enemy across the face, his mouth forming a sinister smile. The farmer reached for the bandana, knowing it would all be-

"…uck…Ugh…"

"Attack anyone in this town and I'll burn down your crops," Kai spat.

Kai had just kicked Jack in the gut, hard enough to cause bleeding. The city boy was flung backwards into several plants. Jack was annoyed, since he was trapped in the bushes. He was too weak to climb out by himself.

But fortunately, luck was somewhat on his side. There was a Power Berry hidden under some of the leaves, where grapes should have grown. Jack just ate it. It was better then sucking up drops of potion spilled on blades of grass.

Within ten seconds, the power of the berry (…shut up, it was the best I could think of) began to flow through Jack's bloodstream. He smashed through the bush, with pieces of it flying. _That would have looked awesome in slow-motion._

…_Damn!_

By the time he had escaped, so did his opponent. All that was left was Karen, sitting on the steps of her house.

"You are one screwed up boy," she commented. "I've always wanted to go to the city, but are the people there as insane as _you_?"

"No, they're worse," Jack answered, before realizing the insult. "Oh… What was I thinking, anyway?"

"You're asking me?" The girl looked at the path towards the village. "You know, there's still a bloodthirsty mob out there. And your so-called 'good intentions' won't save you."

"But I was gonna--"

"—Kill Kai?"

"…Well…You see, the bandana--"

"—Is purple?"

"…Well…Yes, and…well…possessed."

Karen burst into laughter and pointed at the farmer. "You've got to be going insane! No one would believe that load of-"

"It was Jeff's idea," muttered Jack. "See, two people believe it."

"Wow," she replied sarcastically. "I'm sure the old man still thinks well. Ha. My grandpa lost his mind at Jeff's age."

"AGAIN WITH THE AGE!" Jeff shouted from behind a bush. To throw off suspicion, the bakery owner added, "Uh…Again-ay ith-way e-thay age-ay…"

Despite knowing he wasn't a Harvest Sprite, the two ignored him. Jack sighed and walked up to the cellar.

"Get away from there!" spat Karen. "No one said you could go there!"

"There's probably a clue in there to prove my point!" shouted Jack, opening the door. "I mean, he works here all the time!"

"GET AWAY!"

She jumped at him like a rabid attack dog. The force both of them down the stairs, and, by a strange coincidence, a raccoon slammed the door shut with its large tail.

Jack stared at the closed door and looked out the window. Everything was locked. Only a barrel of alcohol and a packet of corn seeds were available to eat or drink.

"ACK!" he exclaimed, curling up into the corner. "I'm dead! I'm going to die…."

"Hey, I'm in danger of starving too," spat Karen, sitting in the opposite corner. "Not many people come down here. And you just damned us both to an early death."

"Sorry…" Jack moaned. "I didn't mean to drag you into this too."

"Just like when I was seven," the young woman said.

"What?"

"I was locked in here when I was a kid. My dad was punishing me, the drunken bastard. Then some kid came in from some secret entrance and helped me escape."

"…Wow, you'll never believe this, but that sounds exactly like a movie I saw!"

_OMG JacKZ lOcKeD IN the CelLAR wiTH KARen!one!1one!1 Yep, just like the game. Except that in the game, it takes a yellow heart to get the dream event. Oh well. The game never had ninja-farmer, either. P_


	5. TRAPPED! TRAPPED I SAY!

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Five: TRAPPED! TRAPPED I SAY**

_Lots of dialogue ahead. Contains "Mini-Chapters", too, AKA: "I-was-too-damn-lazy-to-write-dialouge-so-I'll fill-the-space-with-a-flashback-or-bizarre-story"._

Karen just stared and laughed at him. "Damn, movies can be so specific. I was going to put that in my autobiography, too."

"It's true!" the farmer insisted. "Or something. I remember seeing that somehow…"

Jack shrugged and walked over to the barrel of wine. He tore through his backpack until he found a glass bottle. The farmer smiled proudly.

"I was definitely smart to buy you at the festival," he told it. The young woman was looking at him as if he were insane (maybe she was right…?). "And I was beginning to think that Rick ripped me off."

The young man lunged at the barrel and filled the bottle with liquid. Karen walked over and stepped on his back.

"Ow, damn!"

"Don't steal from us," she spat coldly. "This whole vineyard is going downhill. Letting you have free drinks won't help us at all."

"But I'm dying," he sobbed.

Karen smiled slightly and handed him the bottle. "Okay, fine. It's not like we have any hope."

Jack stared at it and then drank. He placed it on the ground and sighed. All he could do was lay down and pray.

"So, should we just wait for someone to come?" asked the farmer. "It looks like there's no way out of here."

"No!" shouted Karen, throwing off the it's-quite-calm-here-even-though-we're-stuck-here-with-barely-any-food atmosphere. "We can't!"

Jack was hurled backwards by the shout. He rubbed his head in pain. "Ack…stop that. And why not?"

"I don't want anyone to see me locked in here with you!"

"Why?" He paused for a moment. "Oh…right..."

"Why'd you have to fight Kai?" Karen brought up. "Don't people in the city know pain?"

"Yeah, we do! I mean, I've been stabbed, kicked, punched, shot, bitch-slapped, pimp-slapped, several other forms of slapping, hit with a hammer, burned with a flamethrower, attacked by zombie chickens… I've been hit by Basil, a priest…"

The woman's green eyes slowly began to close. Jack showed no signs of stopping his bizarre list of people who had injured him. After five minutes, the speech began to draw to a close.

"…Colonel Mustard, several actors who play TV detectives, and that pimp. He was the one who pimp-slapped me, if you'll believe that."

Karen yawned and woke up. "Wha…? Yeah, got it, you people get injured a lot. So you pick fights as well?"

"Hey!" protested Jack. "You're lucky that I'm the new farmer! You can't imagine what another guy from the city might do to this place!"

"Oh yeah?" challenged Karen. "Tell me."

**Krazy Kai**

**Mini-Chapter 1: Diss Village be Crunk**

A young man, whose clothes were identical to Jack's, stood on top of Moon Mountain. A quiet village, very different from his home in the city, was directly below him. Of course, he wasn't used to that.

"YEEEEEHAAA!"

He dashed off the summit, falling in the swift wind. The goddess herself peaked out of the pond to see if this was actually happening.

"What the hell is wrong with that guy?" she muttered, and then returned to her poker game with the sprites.

A little clown-like man, the mayor of this small village, was walking around the church peacefully. It was his way to think about what to do. And on most occasions, people didn't fall out of the sky and brutally crush him.

Of course, that didn't make it impossible.

"Ugh…" moaned the mayor, being far too damaged to scream loudly. "I see…it's…the new…farmer… Your name?"

"Rap-mastah Z," he declared proudly.

"Good…luck…you…bastard…" the mayor whispered before fainting.

Rap-mastah Z tore of the red scarf and replaced it with bling-bling. He walked down the street, looking at all the buildings. No bullet holes at all. Yet…

The recently-hired-farmer dashed in to the simple shack on his farmland. The grass was green and the field was full of life…unfortunately, the "life" happened to be a mass of weeds. Rap-mastah Z was delighted, but he soon realized those were garden weeds, not…well, you know.

"DAMN!" he cursed. "I'll shoot them damn plants later!"

He zipped open his suitcase, to find several guns that he surprisingly wasn't caught owning. The new guy was homesick. There had to be a way to bring chaos.

* * *

"DIS IS CRUNK!" he exclaimed, riding on his newly-stolen horse. In his hands was a gigantic bazooka that no one in his mental state should ever own. Ever.

An older man pushed a young, brown haired girl behind a greenhouse. In exchange for his heroic act of defending the girl, he was shot down. With a tomato-filled bazooka. Red liquid splashed onto several nearby buildings.

Rap-mastah Z grinned insanely as Jeff clutched his tomato-juice covered chest. Elli tossed bag after bag of fertilizer at the maniacal rapper, causing it to burst out of the back upon contact.

After ten hits, the farmer collapsed off his horse. Elli, glaring, ripped his farmer's license to pieces. And thus, the horror was over.

**End of Mini-Chapter One**

Karen chuckled at the thought of Elli the baker battling a city boy with bags of manure. She laughed even more at the fact that Jack would most likely defend that story.

"So, you say that there was a movie like this?"

"Yeah," insisted Jack. "I think there was a scene like this in a video game for the Nintendo 64, too."

"I see," muttered Karen. "That strangely placed product-placement reminds me that when I'm afraid in the dark, I sing and dance."

"Cool," said the farmer. "I can't sing."

"But it's easy," the young woman insisted. "Listen!

_It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life,_

_With Mentos fresh and full of Life,_

_Nothing gets to you, stayin' fresh, stayin' cool,_

_With Mentos fresh and full of life,_

_Fresh goes better! Mentos freshness!_

_Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!_"

Jack blinked. "Wow, your beautiful voice really made even the most blatant advertisement seem touching."

She smiled. "Thanks. So, what was the movie called?"

"Um…" The farmer looked up at the ceiling, as if the answer was up there. "Damn, I think I saw it when I was seven, and I was visiting Grandpa's far…" His eyes widened. "I am such a moron."

"That was you?" exclaimed Karen. "The kid who saved me?"

"Yeah, I'm starting to remember…"

**Krazy Kai**

**Mini-Chapter Two: Fifteen years ago…**

"Why are we going so far away from home?" a curious, seven year old Jack asked in the back seat of his mom's car.

"Because, dear, I want to get away from your father." His mother, who was driving (obviously) sighed. "When you were born, he nearly killed the doctor in a fit of rage. Now we've got to go to grandpa's farm."

The little boy gulped and hugged his teddy bear. His sense of paranoia swelled, and it would stay that way for years to come. Jack started rocking back and forth in sheer terror.

"We're here!" his mom said cheerfully, stopping the car in the middle of the field. "Ew, looks like I took out a season's worth of corn."

"Hey!" exclaimed the elderly farmer. "What the hell were you thinking, crazy bitch! I'm gonna kill your ass… Oh, it's you two!"

At that moment, Jack's vocabulary was expanded, in a bad way.

The old farmer ran up to the car. "Hi. Sorry, I don't like when people run over my things." He motioned to a Cow Contest trophy that was smashed last year.

"Sorry about that," Jack's mother said, stepping out of the car. She had long, dark black hair and gray eyes.

"I don't even know how you got here," exclaimed grandpa. "I mean, there are no roads! Did you kill someone?"

"Not to my knowledge." She turned to her son. "Sorry about little Jack. I'm running away from his father… Er, your son."

"Ah, the crazy one," muttered the farmer. "What, he kill anyone?"

"Not in front of the little one!"

"Sorry! Sorry, sometimes I forget how young my grandson is. Did my crazy son stab someone?"

"JACK!" exclaimed the mother.

"What?" asked both of the males.

"Son, go play in the village!"

* * *

Jack walked up to a building where two pink haired females lived. The thirty year old mother was painting a sign. Her four year old daughter was painting by slapping the sign with paint-covered hands. The sign read, so far: Flo(hand print)rist Lil(handprint).

The little girl stopped and stared at the little boy. Jack approached her and gave her a pink flower he found growing near his grandpa's farm. The girl held the plant happily.

"I like you!" she declared, blushing.

**Mini-Chapter Interruption**

"Ohhhh…" Jack said to himself. "So _that's_ why I can't get Popuri to leave me alone!"

**Resume Mini-Chapter**

The seven year old boy was busy taking grapes from a bush he found. Soon, he stopped filling his stomach with fruit and tried to explore the rest of his new surroundings.

"Hey!" he exclaimed to himself. "Grape juice!"

Jack drank half the bottle. Unfortunately, that wasn't grape juice. He tried his hardest to walk normally, but ended up spinning around in circles.

An hour passed. He still couldn't get back to the farm. The inebriation went away, but he was so tired that he collapsed and rolled down into a hole.

Jack blinked. He thought it was a cave, since the area was so devoid of light. But he heard sobbing… it sounded like a girl!

"Ack! Zombie girl!" He ran, fearing that his comic books would actually be works of non-fiction. That led to him slamming his head into the wall.

"Are you okay?" the girl asked, her green eyes filling with tears. "At last, someone's come to rescue m-"

"Augh, undead cooties!" he shouted, climbing out through the hole.

The girl looked up out of the hole. "Hey, I've never noticed that before! Thank you!" She climbed out. Jack ran back to the car.

**End of Mini-Chapter Two**

The farmer rubbed the scar on his forehead. "They thought I was attacked by an escaped convict hiding in Flowerbud Village to throw off suspicion."

"So… The hero I spent my childhood dreaming about was only a drunk little boy who was afraid of cooties?"

"…" Jack needed to think of something to say. "So, is there still a hole in the wall?"

"WHAT?" exclaimed Karen. "Do you honestly believe that we would be cheap enough to go over a decade without fixing a simple--"

She turned around. The big, gaping hole was still there.

"…Damn, you were right."

Before they could climb out, someone stuck his/her face down the hole. It was none other than Karen's best friend (and Gray's sister), Ann.

"Dude, what the hell are you doing down there with Jack?" she asked, puzzled. "…Oh, I see…"

"I am going to stab you," Karen muttered at Jack, glaring.

"Get out of there," Ann said, extending her hand. "I'm sure everyone will forget that you tried to murder the mayor once they hear of this, Jack."

"Don't," spat the other woman.

"Why…?" the farmer girl said, grinning. "It's not like-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, ANN."

Ann ran. Rhymes suck.

_Hurray, the chapter's done! As usual, reviews are wanted. And I bet someone will brick me for the ending. –bricked- Oo;; __To be honest, I was going to post this later, since it might take a bit of time for me to complete Chapter Six, but since I went on vacation I decided to post it as soon as I came back. And... here it is! -audience gasps- Come on, you read the chapter. It can't be too suprising._

_Anyway, I'll end with thanking my reviewers, like other people do. Because I never thanked them before and now they probably think I'm an asshole. Probably not. But meh, I have an urge to type._

_**RWT**-- Thanks for being the first reviewer! Even though you've never specified whether or not the fic was good, your quotes help me know that you at least read it! -shot-_

_**Lack Thereof--** Thanks for the favorite...thing... (I'm new here. I have no idea what the hell to call it.) And for doing something this, which I'm totally stealing. -gutted- Well, she stole it from...someone! -bricked- I've been injured too much in this author's note... ;;_

_**NNNNN**-- Er...thanks...? 0o;; Sorry, but I couldn't understand the review._

_**Aki of the Forgotten-- Thanks for laughing! You're not supposed to laugh at humor fics! -insert some way of torturing me here-**_

**_See you when the next chapter is done!_**


	6. Chaos, as Usual

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Six: Chaos, As Usual**

_More weird humor from the same weird writer. Still trying to conquer all the companies that own Harvest Moon and RULE THEM ALL. 'Til then, enjoy the fanfic!_

Jack was lying in bed, trying to not fall asleep. That would lead to more disturbingly psychic dreams from occurring. He'd rather just lay in bed and wait until the village would forget he existed. Or at least forget the 'nearly-killed-the-mayor-then-got-locked-in-a-cellar' part, anyway.

But his hopes were shattered, as was his window, by a rock that was hurled through the glass. He walked outside, only to see the mayor.

"Please don't hurt me!" yelped the clown-man, flinching and jumping backwards. "I just came to remind you that the Sea Festival is tomorrow. Y-you know… The swimming race…"

He ran away before Jack could blink. The farmer just sighed.

"Why does he bother inviting me?" he muttered. "I lost the race last year, and this time I most likely will too. Hell, I can swim in the sea any day. WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME!" He screamed the last sentence at the sky. "WHY!"

---

Jack didn't leave his fields at all the previous day. He feared the village's reaction to all the crazy incidents. But it was now the day of the swimming race. That meant that someone would hunt him down if he was absent. There was no escape.

He had no choice but to jump over the fence to the Green Ranch. Nearby, Cliff ran up to him and started pulling on his arm.

"Dude, hurry!" the bum exclaimed. "You gotta come here!"

"Whuh… Why? And since when were you back in the village?"

"On the run from that damned Interpol. Er, anyway, **_you've got to come here now_**!"

"Fine," said Jack, "but I don't see what would make me want to c…"

He froze at the sight before him. All of the young females in town were wearing bikinis. So was Harris. Apparently, he didn't have his own swimsuit and had to rent one. That was the only one left.

"Bless you Cliff," muttered Jack. Cliff nodded, hypnotized.

Cliff turned his head, despite not wanting to do so, and saw Maria taking notes as her dad spoke. "Look, Maria's interviewing the mayor for the local newspaper!"

"Oh, that thing. You get it too?"

"No, Harris just keeps raving about it."

"Why don't you get it?"

"I don't have a god damn house, much less a mailbox!"

Meanwhile, the mayor was answering questions. Most of them were about wars he declared on neighboring villages. But Jack could only hear the last question be asked.

"So, Dad," the library interrogated, "why did you extend the Sea Festival competition to include both genders? Was it because you realized that this unfair separation was against rights that everyone is born with?"

"Well, I chose to do this because I'm a perver…er… Well, I think that what you said is true. Really. No further questions, right?"

The clown man cometh towards Jack and Cliff. Well, Cliff anyway. He tried to stay further away from Jack.

"So, are you two ready to race?" asked the mayor. "And…hopefully not ready to finish me off like you were planning to…"

"I wasn't trying to kill anyone," protested Jack. "It's a situation far too bizarre for me to explain."

"Yes, it is bizarre when a stealthy farmer drops from the heavens, sickle in hand, only to slice you across the head!" The mayor removed his top hat to reveal a bandage. "So, are you two ready to race yet?"

"Um… maybe in a few minutes," Cliff spoke up, before Jack could defend his almost assassin-like assault on the mayor. "So Ja…WAUGH!"

Before he could say anything, Ann ran up and grabbed his arm.

"Cliff! You're back!" She kept babbling, while Cliff just stared.

"Uh… Yeah, I missed you too… Hey! Get off my arm, it'll set off the alarm they strapped to be during parole…"

Jack didn't even want to know how Cliff got in trouble with the law, but the thought kept popping up in his mind every time the alarm released a deafening screech. Thankfully, the pink-haired girl smashed the alarm device in two with a hammer.

"Popuri!" exclaimed Jack. "You silenced that damn thing! And more importantly, where did you get that hammer?"

"Here's a secret," Popuri said. "You leave your rucksack open. It's easy to take things. Remember when I needed anger management? I nearly cut your head off with one of these tool things!"

"Er… Should I thank you, or should I run?"

"Relax, I relieve my anger and stress in different ways now. Punching bags."

She pointed to one that she hung from the boat dock. It looked as if it was sliced open, kicked, punched, and bitten. At least Popuri was a bit more normal.

"I see." Jack opened up one of the cuts in the punching bag to see if there was a Harvest Sprite in it or something. Nothing.

"What, do you not believe me?" Popuri asked, almost childishly. "You're too paranoid, Jack. Relax."

"Relax later!"

Everyone turned around. The young, local baker was standing on the dock, grinning.

"I've been training my whole life for a chance to participate in this event!" declared Elli. "And now that I've been given the chance, my years of practice will pay off!"

"With that being said," started the mayor, "I think we should start the race! Into the water!"

---

"GO!" commanded the Mayor, waving to Harris. The mailman fired a gun. And you should never give a mailman a gun.

The racers ignored the large, blue bird that was shot and began to swim. Jack was somewhere in the middle of the crowd. The younger baker was in first place. The elder one was in last.

"Hey (glug) wait (glug) for…" Jeff struggled to shout every time his face turned to the water. "Me…"

"This is fun," Kai said, obviously in his normal personality. However, for some strange reason, he still had the bandana on. Then again, Jack never removed his own hat, either.

"All I need to do is catch up," the farmer told himself, swimming faster. He soon moved into the third place, behind Elli and Kai.

Soon, the he jumped up, trying to get the bandana of Kai's head. Unfortunately, he was directly behind Elli. She kicked Jack several times while swimming, not noticing at all.

"Ugh…"

Jack sank down into the ocean. His vision blurred from the water, and eventually faded into darkness…

---

The farmer regained his consciousness in a weird, green room. But there was some kind of pink blob standing by him!

"ACK!" Jack shouted. "Where am I!"

His vision finally cleared up. The pink blob was apparently Popuri.

"Elli kicked you in the face seven times before you passed out an sank into the water," the girl told him. "She baked you a Power Berry pie as an apology."

"Well I do like pie," said the farmer, his mind wandering. But suddenly, he remembered that he couldn't be called "farmer" without there being a _farm_. "Oh my God! What about my farm!"

"Don't worry," Popuri said. "I asked Cliff to work on the farm. We gave him 5000 pieces of gold."

"Did you warn him about the gigantic ditch near the turnips?"

A loud **_WHUMPH_** echoed through the village. The two ignored it.

"Just rest, Jack. When you recover, you can go back to your farm and take care of the livestock and crops. Right now, you need to sleep."

"Thanks… Wait a second, where are you going to sleep?" Jack paused. "Damn it."

He then proceeded to jump out the window, only to cause more damage than good. Popuri dragged him back up into the room.

"Jack, if you try that again your leg will break off."

The farmer, shaking back and forth, nodded. He didn't want to lose any limbs, or even get injured.

"Fine, I'll stay here. But one question: did you set this whole thing up?"

"No..." Popuri replied. "I couldn't think of that. Though if I did, it would be brilliant…" She stopped rambling. "Anyway, I'll just go onto this side of the bed."

She pointed to the west of the room. Jack rubbed his eyes, to see that the bed stretched across the room.

"What the-"

"I'm too short to reach the plants on the ceiling." She pointed to the ceiling, where flowers were growing. For some reason, they were also upside-down, causing fertilizer to fall everywhere.

---

Harris held his camera and notebook in both hands. Maria had trusted him with the front-page article in her new newspaper: "Farmer Injured In Sea Festival". He looked into the florist's store. The lights were still on, despite it being three hours closed.

The mailman slowly opened the door. Lillia saw his camera and notebook and nodded.

"Jack's resting now," she said, "so be quiet, okay?"

He nodded and walked up the stairs to the room Jack was sleeping in. Unfortunately for Jack, Popuri had an insane nightmare that lizards were trying to kill her. She thrashed around, eventually ending up lying next to Jack.

"Gah!" exclaimed Harris, taking the photo first and shouting later.

Jack woke up, rubbing his eyes. And then cursing. _Shit. What are the odds of this?_

Thankfully, the farmer was healed enough to snatch the camera from the mailman and smash it on the ground.

"B-but, my article…" moaned the mailman.

"No! I will not have my reputation ruined by another crazy misunderstanding!"

"…Huh?"

"…Okay, let me explain. If someone found a corpse in the mailbox, they'd blame you, the mailman, right?"

"I see your point exactly. Very well, I shall not tell the public. Besides, without the photo it's pretty unbelievable. That kind of stuff only happens in manga…"

Jack smiled. With this act of kindness, he could only feel that his story would become less strange.

…Well, that's how he felt, anyway.

_Yeah... The last two chapters pwned this one by far. Thanks to:_

_RWT-- Glad to know you like this fic! (That may explain why you're still reading.)_

_Aru Feuer-- Ahem. Where are those cookies?_

_pvc-- Wow, that was the least noticeable line in the fic and still someone liked it. Thanks for the review!_

_Lack Thereof-- I was actually thinking of doing some spin-offs with different types of Jacks. My favorite idea is Micheal Jackson Jack. You can only imagine how effed up that fic would be..._


	7. Insanity Pt 1

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Seven: Insanity, Part One: My own Hell? But I wanted a Pony…**

_School. Need I say more?_

_This chapter marks the beginning of a new story arc! I hope you enjoy this arc, since you'll be stuck with it for a few more chapters! D Warning: this arc may contain some actual drama! –gasp- Oh yeah, remember this: longer chapters give me more room to have people swear. Ya may want to remember that._

Jack sat down in the bar, drinking at a slower pace than usual. Since Harris agreed not to mention a certain incident, the farmer could stop worrying about the villagers shunning him. Or running from him, screaming. Or tossing holy water at him to make him burn to the ground.

Since he didn't need to drown out the shame of being the village idiot, Jack had the chance to talk to other people. Or so he thought.

"Hey Gray!" he called out, waving to the other farmer. "What's up?"

Gray scowled at him. Although that wasn't very out of character, Jack had a feeling that he was mad about something in particular.

"W…what's wrong?"

"You're one perverted freak!" spat Gray. "Stay away from Popuri, you bum!"

Jack gulped, and immediately shot a glare at Harris. The mailman was acting as if nothing was new, and sipped his drink calmly.

"What the hell's wrong with you!" Jack asked Harris. "You promised-"

"I took that corpse out of the mailbox," he said smugly. "Now you don't have anything to hold against me."

The farmer was shocked, about two things, actually. One reason was that Harris betrayed him. The other was that there Harris actually dumped a corpse in the mailbox. Jack was just using that as a hypothetical situation.

While Gray tried to punch the crap out of his new nemesis (well, they were enemies before, too) who was shrieking, Karen watched. She could barely stand seeing Jack bruised and beaten. Before she didn't care, but he wasn't really such a bad guy. Then again, Gray did have a right to be insanely furious.

"No one uses the damned postal system!" Jack taunted the mailman before getting punched in the jaw again. "Ack, don't you care that I was injured a few days ago?"

"I bet you made a deal with Elli! Your injuries were just an excuse to-"

"GRAY!"

Popuri pushed open the door, after hearing Jack cry like a girl from her home. "What are you doing to Jack?"

"Uh-oh," the rancher muttered, dropping a half-conscious Jack on his head. "Er… he was choking… You see, his…"

While Gray tried frantically to explain why Jack was beaten to a bloody pulp, Karen examined his face.

"It looks like your wounds from the swimming contest re-opened," she said. "So I guess it wasn't just an excuse for you and Popuri to-"

"Please be quiet," Jack moaned.

Suddenly, the images of Gray, Popuri, and Karen began to fade from Jack's vision. After them, his entire surroundings began to go black…

* * *

"Is he breathing?" Jack heard the voice of the head carpenter say.

"Yeah," replied the mayor, who Jack could barely see, "he's been in a coma for a week. This could've erased memories from longer ago."

"Like, how long?"

"I have no clue. He could wake up thinking it was the day after the coma. He could think it's years ago."

_Wh-what! Could that fight at the bar have happened years ago, and I forgot everything in between?_

"Wait- I think he's waking up!"

"Really? This is great, mayor!"

Jack jerked out of bed, breathing heavily. Did he really just lose years of memory? He appeared to be in his bed in his farm house.

"Good, you're alive!" said Mayor Thomas. "I was beginning to think that we'd have to grow our own vegetables if you died!"

"Bastard," the farmer muttered. "I mean, bas…soons are wonderful instruments. And it's a wonderful life!"

"Could you hear us talk about your possible memory loss?" inquired the carpenter. Jack nodded. "Do you remember your wife's name? Or your son's?"

"W-w-w-wife!" exclaimed Jack. "S-s…"

The shocked farmer ran out into the fields, ignoring the fact that he was staggering and injuring himself with every step.

Next to a cow, Jack could see a small shadow. It was a male toddler, dressed in bizarre mouse pajamas. Jack ignored his family's poor taste in clothes and picked up the boy.

"Son…?" he asked, happily. He was so glad to finally have a family, ever since his dad went crazy and his grandpa died. "I love you…" He smiled.

The little boy giggled. "I wuv you too, old Daddy!" he said, happily.

Jack's eyes burst out of his head. "O-o-old!" He ignored his son's joke (or so he thought) and asked him a question. "Son, where's Mommy?"

"Wit new Daddy," the toddler answered, as if he didn't know what he was talking about. "Da purple man."

"GODDAMMIT! THE BASTARD!" Jack shouted into the air. "…Um, don't say that, kid."

The farmer dashed off into the village, everyone staring at him. After all, none of them were used to a farmer with a coma running off into the streets. Then again, he was always somewhat off his rocker.

"So, he's alive," said the craftsman, sipping his tea dully.

"Yep," responded Ellen, the old woman in her rocking chair. "He's just like his granddad."

The farmer paid no attention to the emotionless conversations of the elderly. All he really cared about was the "Purple Man". Kai. "New Daddy". Bastard. Other recently mentioned alias.

Jack kicked open the door to Rick's tool shop, only to see him hitting a large metal box with a hammer.

"Oops. Hey, what is that?"

"A moron-proof door."

With his self-esteem reduced to dust in the wind, the young man ran away from the tool shop. He jumped over all the stairs to town square, only to find that it was barren.

"Wait a second… the beach!"

Hey, this is about as interesting as Jack running around to find his wife can get. Deal with it. By the time he reached the beach, Karen and Kai were swimming together in the water.

"Kai, you little bastard!" Jack shouted, jumping into the sea. He didn't have the time to put on his swimsuit.

"What's wrong?" the man said calmly.

"My son told me you were seeing my wife!" The farmer turned to Karen. "And **you**… Did I ever leave you when you were hurt, or sick, or comatose?"

"Jack, you never noticed when I broke my leg."

"Well I don't remember! Oh yeah, I WAS IN A FUCKING COMA! I don't remember anything!"

"Stop acting like I'm your wife. I'm married to Kai."

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" Jack shouted in a fit of pure fury. This was too terrible to be real. It couldn't be. There had to be an explanation. "This sounds to much like a goddamn soap opera…au…augh…"

The farmer gulped and immediately jerked his arm near his eyes. His body was falling apart, bits to skin shredded and blowing into the wind. By the time the painful feeling reached his face, he couldn't see.

* * *

After a surprisingly quick wait, Jack regained consciousness (which, as logical people know, doesn't often happen when someone's entire body is shredded apart). He was standing, his feet frozen to the ground, in front of Kai.

"Bravo," Jack's nemesis greeted. "I see you guessed what this torture was. I was thinking of trapping you in a sitcom and have that bloody annoying canned laughter accompany your every action and drive you insane. But I changed it, and I'm glad I did! I mean, the clichés…"

Jack found his previous emotional scar a lot less painful than listening to Kai's rant about soap operas. But he must have left his backpack with his sanity. Or it got shredded along with his body. Either way, he couldn't saw his feet off with a sickle and crawl away.

"I see I'm boring you," Kai muttered. "No one in listened to me where I lived before, either."

"The dimension of purple-hat-possessing-demons?"

"Perhaps." He smirked. "Anyway, if you had fallen for the illusion, you would have committed suicide within the next four minutes."

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT!" shouted Jack. "No one can foresee the future, because that would mean free will is non-existent, and that our actions would have been pre-determined! Unless you could see _possible_ outcomes of the future that may or may not be true, which in _that_ case--"

"Actually, I just kind of guessed. But is your little future rant more important than this?"

Kai waved his hands, causing holographic projects of Karen, Popuri, and Gray (all unconscious) to appear.

"Don't you mean them, not this?" Jack's legs began to disintegrate. "OW! OW! Okay, I won't correct you! But what do you mean?"

"They're also trapped in different themed nightmares. Go ahead, go to them. But if I drive one of them insane, you all perish. I'm not going to give you a choice of going home or not. I really want to see you dead."

"For some strange reason, I guessed that. But one question-how can you mess with our souls like this? I mean, you've sent us into an incredibly complex illusion world."

The bandana-possessed, girl-stealing, magical man just smiled. "I'll tell you that if you save your friends. Or if you fail, I'll just laugh at you as your soul is sucked away into a devious netherworld I made for you."

"Jerk."

Suddenly, Jack felt an extremely sharp, stabbing pain. His body was split in two and began disappearing.

"You could have picked another way to transport me…"

Jack would have smacked himself in the head, because he was complaining to someone who could easily kill him or drive him insane in an instant. However, his arms were gone.

* * *

"_Son…?"_

_It was all just a horrible deception. My family… just vanished into the abyss of my mind. It was all some sick plot from the bandana. A damned piece of purple evil. _

_But one question remains… Is this weird illusion crazier than it actually sounds? Imagine if I went up to one of my old friends from the city and told them that a friggin' hat was toying with my mind and soul, manipulating my fear. _

_Mental hospitals scare me…

* * *

_

Yes, mental hospitals must be scary, especially when you're playing cards with a guy who thinks he's a horse. Thanks to all my reviewers:

Harvest moon Player-- Well, I guess I'll have to write another chapter to complete this new story arc.

RWT-- Reviewer thanking attack!... Well... Boring typing, anyway. Close enough.

Aru Feuer-- No cookies? I hate it when people torture me like that... ;.; Oh well, thanks for reviewing. (grumble) and eating the cookies... (grumble)


	8. Insanity Pt 2

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Eight: Insanity, Part Two**

_HALLELUJUAH! HALLELUJAH! It's back! (The Christian religion in no way endorses this work of Fanfiction, nor does it consider its writer a member of the human species.)_

_If I just say "school", will you understand? Well, I'm also working on "Doom the Homeland", my new story that I am oh-so-shamelessly promoting here. XD_

_For those of you who don't have the greatest memory (…like me…), you might want to re-read the first three chapters to understand some of the references in the chapter. Then again, you might remember them. It's just a suggestion.

* * *

_

"What was that?" asked Karen, rubbing her eyes. "That idiot Jack just ran in, calling me his wife… Why would he think that?"

"Must have been brain-damaged by the head injury," Kai replied. "Then again, he's been a bit odd for a while now." Somehow, Kai managed to be in several places at once. Of course, the young woman was oblivious to the conspiracy. Some people call that being "sane".

"I feel bad for Jack," she said. "I mean, maybe he's really sick, and he needs our help. I remember that I was in a coma and lost memory just recently, too." Karen laughed. "I mean, I forgot that I was even your wife!"

"Yes. A coma, and nothing else." The man spoke to suspiciously for his own good. "But really--"

"YAAUGH!"

Kai was cut off by a male's shout. His wife stared into the sky, muttering, "What the hell?"

It was Jack. He was being hurled into the same illusion he was in earlier. And into the same replica of a sea he jumped into earlier. And was attacked by artificial jellyfish.

"See? He's just as deranged as he was when he first moved in."

"Bastard…" Jack said, underwater. Of course, all Kai could hear was a bizarre gurgle from the ocean.

"JACK!" Karen exclaimed, almost diving down to grab his hand. Unfortunately for Jack, Kai pushed her back. "Hey! What was that for?"

"Why do you want to save that idiot?" Kai snapped. "Remember? This is the 'you look like crap' saying, chicken killing psycho!"

"Yeah, I guess… But it's not like you don't have a second personality."

"W-w…what!"

"You were such a nice, polite guy when you first came here. And sometimes you still are, but you have been acting a little…weird."

Jack was laughing with triumph. And drowning, floating closer and closer to his pretty damn damp death.

"Whoops," she muttered, pulling the farmer up. Jack gasped desperately for air, then resumed laughing at Kai.

"I pity your weak mind." The man's face split in half, causing a bizarre purple body to ooze out of his head. "Don't forget that I control this place."

A burst of golden lighting nearly killed Jack. He managed to jump out of the water in time, unfortunately leaving his rucksack behind. So that's where it was!

The blinding flash of light obscured Jack's vision as a few dozen turnip seeds scattered across the ocean. "Damn!" he muttered. "I blew all that gold for nothing…"

Karen was running towards the Green Ranch. Normally she would have kicked Kai's head off, but it had already split open and sent the illusion of a purple demon from its skull.

"No, I'm going crazy like Jack!" she shouted while dashing away.

"This should be proof that I'm **_not_** crazy!" protested Jack, forgetting about the possibly fatal injuries Kai could give him, and instead focusing on his troubles with women. "There's no way that- EGH!"

Jack felt a metal shoe smash across his cheek. Of all the things to make a shoe out of, he had no idea that someone would make one out of unbreakable steel. But then again, this place was designed to torture him.

The farmer immediately turned his head around to see Kai's new, purple form hovering behind him. Kai tore the sky like paper, revealing a farmland in a portal. A glowing, green sickle flew into his hand, emitting a mystical power.

"I had to break the so-called laws of time and space to retrieve the blade charged with the mythic stone." The purple being laughed.

"Um, couldn't you just kill me with your matter altering hand that tore open the universe?" asked Jack. He realized the advice he gave out unwillingly. "OH SHIT!"

He immediately ran into the Green family's barn, where Kai immediately dashed over to. Jack kicked fodder into the purple demon's face. He looked at Jack as if he were insane, and then savagely beat him with his space-time-continuum-ripping claw.

Karen slowly stuck her head out from behind one of the large fodder piles. The crazy, paranoid young man was now a floating head, and the caring vineyard worker was now a purple demon with razor sharp claws.

"I should have listened when Mom said that alcohol damages your brain," muttered Karen.

She ducked behind the pile and sat on a metal box. Muttering a few curses, she picked it up to see that it was some odd remote control. There were only two buttons, "up" and "down".

"OF COURSE!" she exclaimed, trying to whisper. "This must be one of Rick's damned inventions." And, despite the fact that Rick had barely affected the story in any drastic way before, that was the most logical explanation for this. "The bastard…"

In a fit of irritation, she crashed her fist into the remote control. That caused the "up" arrow button to retract into the remote.

Kai's purple form looked at the remote control that the young woman was beating up. He sighed and shook his head, then looked into the sky.

"Look boss, you could make it easier on your copies and give them the remotes from the start." The amethyst illusion sighed again, then evaporated slowly.

His disappearance triggered the entire world around them to shatter into shards, revealing a misty, purple abyss behind them. Each piece looked like a two-dimensional drawing of the Green Ranch and its fields.

A teary eyed Jack had a gigantic, glass-like piece that looked like a happy cow grazing in the fields in his forehead. A sucking wind dragged the shard of the background slowly and painfully out of the farmer's head. The blood that flowed out was instantly sucked into a vacuum, and he and Karen eventually followed it.

Jack cried and screamed like a girl. After all, he _was_ reduced to a severed head that just had a large piece of glass ripped out of it. Karen smacked him.

"What was that for?" Jack's head muttered. "Aren't you still worried that you're going insane?"

"I'm not," she insisted. "This must be one of Rick's inventions gone horribly, horribly wrong. I found a remote to prove it." She waved the remote control, which was labeled "Evil Bandana Corp" in fine print.

"Um… Never mind…" Jack didn't want her to think he was crazy again. "So, since you realize that it was Rick's invention," he coughed, "that made me dislike Kai, now do you like me?"

"Well, I know that you're slightly less insane," Karen answered, as if she wasn't being sucked through some kind of black hole.

The farmer was in a state complete elation, until his movement ended with him being slammed onto the ground of another illusion. He twitched for a few moments, feeling like his newly-regained ribs were broken.

"We've got to find Popuri," he told the young woman. He cringed in pain and struggled to get back on his feet. It was only a lucky guess that the pink haired girl was actually in this place, but he had forgotten all about Gray.

"Why?" asked Karen, noticing that Jack's body no longer consisted of only a cranium. "Rick's inventions won't do anything to hurt us. You were a head, remember?"

"Yeah, but the rest of my body was sent to this place by those weird claw thingies." That sentence was later recorded as the worst thesis statement a human had ever invented. "I have a feeling that Popuri could really be killed if Kai… er, Rick, tries hard enough."

"What about your friend Gray?"

Suddenly, a montage of images flooded Jack's memory, including the sickle fight at Green Ranch and the clash at the bar. "Um… he's safe. Trust me." He muttered, "...In his grave…"

Gray was still in his illusion world, but the farmer really didn't care what happened to him. After all, the rival farmer had nearly killed him several times.

* * *

After a half-hour of walking, the two finally saw a gigantic gray button. It was labeled with the word "Power" in red letters.

"…The hell is this?" Karen muttered.

Jack shrugged and kicked it. It barely budged. "Kai split himself in half and turned into a purple demon. It's safe to say that giant power buttons are the most normal thing we'll find here. Let's both push it."

Karen ran at the giant button with her hands in front of her. Jack just ran. They succeeded, but Jack lost three teeth. Since he lost everything below his neck in the previous world, he assumed that those teeth would fly back into his face later.

Despite the fact that the farmer left a small bloodstain on the power button, everything started to turn blurry. Soon they would find Popuri…

And probably some crazy battle against cloth worn on people's heads.

* * *

Damn, Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo is one good anime. Evil hair hunters, evil bandanas… "We're not so different, you and I." Since I've procrastinated on this fic too damn long, have a Halloween omake. I hate the holiday (except for the candy. Candy is awesome.), but what the hell.

* * *

**Krazy Kai**

**Special One: Halloween**

Jack looked out his window, only to see someone dressed as a witch. Her black hat was pointy and crooked, and she carried a broom.

"For the love of…"

The farmer opened the door to greet the girl. He rolled his eyes.

"Trick or treat."

"Aren't you too old for this?" he asked, grabbing a piece of candy to give to her anyway.

"No…" she responded innocently.

He muttered something under his breath and gave her the piece of candy. The girl grinned and took it from him quickly.

"Thank you!"

"I still think you're too old for this, Popuri. _You're nineteen_."

* * *

Well, I never said it would be a good Halloween extra. Believe me, the New Year's and Christmas ones will be much better.

**Aru Feuer-- **Finally I got the damned cookies. takes Thanks for the review!

**RWT-- **Yes, yes he is... Well, sort of. The bandana is, anyway...


	9. Insanity Pt 3

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Nine: Insanity, Part Three- Why Is This Goddamn Arc Still Around?**

_Okay, I lied. Chapter seven was the only somewhat dramatic chapter. As long as I can make a reference to some kind of obscure hobby, drama will have to wait a bit. And yes, I have been a lazy bastard. But it's the holiday season, so don't kill me!_

Jack yawned and looked at the old watch that he kept in his pocket. It hadn't moved for hours. Ever since he ended up in wherever the hell he was, time seemed to stop, as if he were taken to a dimension so strange that the laws of time were different.

Then again, it could be because a rock fell on it.

"How long are we going to sit here?" complained Karen, who was lying down despite the fact that there was no ground under her. "It's been… well, I don't know, two hours since we got pushed the stupid button!"

The entire world was still blurring. The farmer kicked the Power Button again in aggravation.

Nothing happened.

The young woman just stared as Jack dragged himself back to where he was sitting, looking defeated. She sighed and stared at the ground.

The chapter is really getting stalled, isn't it?

"Why isn't the remote thing working?" muttered Karen. "Maybe it's like a defective computer chip or something."

"The purple demons must not be skilled at creating new technology."

Before the girl could say "I don't know you", mountains materialized around them. Jack landed face-first into a six-foot deep pile of snow, continuing the trend of being injured or abused in hilarious ways.

Karen extended her hand to pull Jack up before he could sink more. After leaving a snow-angel similar to one that a murder victim would make, the snow-covered man got up on his feet.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the summit of the mountain, Popuri was running around frantically. She turned over several rocks, only to find more snow underneath.

"What kind of place is this?" she shouted in panic. "There are no flowers! No Jack! I need flowers! Must…have…something…to…compare…hairstyle…to!"

* * *

Little did Popuri know that the duo was trekking up the side of the mountain.

"My hands…" moaned Karen, holding onto a rock sticking out of the slope. "Why are we climbing up here again?"

"I'm sure that someone's trapped on top because of Kai's illusion…er… Rick's machine thingy."

"Damn that Rick." Jack had said a similar sentence at the exact same time, replacing the nerdy inventor's name with that of the supposedly possessed vineyard worker.

While they were climbing, Karen complained again. "My hands still hurt…"

Jack was glad that he had never removed his gloves, even before it became a trend to do so. However, he didn't want to smile, in fear that Karen would kill him.

"Here…" he muttered, taking his hands off the mountain so he could remove his gloves and give them to her.

However, since he had let go of the mountain, he feel several feet into the same groove he left when he hit the ground last time.

"Shit."

"Are you an idiot or something?" Karen let go too, but used her dancing skills to land gracefully on her feet. As well as Jack's back.

Several expletives later, they were climbing the mountain again. The young woman sighed and turned to the paranoid farmer.

"Even though we had to restart our journey because of it, it was pretty sweet of you to give me your gloves. Thanks."

"YES!" exclaimed Jack. He felt so triumphant that he raised his hands into the air in victory. Guess what happened next?

"Okay, now I'm getting tired of it," spat Karen. "Now that we've wasted a whole twenty minutes because of your falling, we'll never get to Goddess-knows-where you're dragging me."

"Okay, okay…" Jack groaned, his hands bloody due to the fact that all the pointy rocks were on his side of the mountain. "Do you have anything better to do?"

"Well, we could be climbing _down_ the goddamn mountain, so we can get out of this stupid excuse for a joke once and for all."

But Jack ignored her logic. These bizarre illusions were the only sign that he wasn't just a paranoid freak. He would have to ignore all sane choices to make the best one.

Well, that's what he thought. He was also forbidden to be within ten feet of a toaster.

* * *

Jack gasped loudly as he finally reached the top of the mountain. Karen was still glaring at him, but decided not to say anything.

Thankfully, the pink-haired girl was actually on top of the mountain. That meant that the farmer wouldn't end up being kicked by Karen and plummeting into the earth.

Unfortunately, it was Popuri on the mountain.

_Control…self… Don't…tackle…But...I…must…! _Popuri's hyperactive nature was about to control her. _Oh, whatever!_

"POPURI, DON'T--"

Popuri, in the form of a pink blur, slammed into Jack, causing him to lose his balance and fall off. Her arms were wrapped around him, but she remained oblivious to their impending demises.

_Dammit! Even though I didn't intend for this to happen, I guess this was kind of predictable…_

Luckily, waiting below them was a certain shadowy figure. Jack had no idea if the person was just a transparent image or if it was even Demon Kai- or whatever the hell he should be called.

Oh, if only it were just an omnipotent demon. Instead, it was Gray, the embodiment of random angst.

"He's gonna kill me for this," Jack moaned, turning his eyes to Popuri, who seemed to be incredibly more content than usual.

Fortunately, it appeared that Gray's love for Popuri was greater than his naturally homicidal nature. Or perhaps it was the fact that Popuri was below Jack at the time, so he caught her first.

"Thank you so, so much Gray!" an overly excited Jack started saying, before he was harshly slammed into the jagged ground. "All is right with the world."

"Get your hands off her!" Apparently, the violence wasn't just because Gray hated Jack. Well, not entirely.

"Um, Gray…" Popuri was standing several feet away. "You knocked him six feet away. I'm okay."

The pink-haired girl ran to the farmer, who's only movement was mild twitching. The other rancher was facing the other way, because…

One: He didn't really give a damn whether or not Jack was alive or not, and

Two: There was a mysterious purple, human-shaped thing rising out of the ground.

"NO, I'M GOING CRAZY JUST LIKE THAT IDIOT!" Gray cried out. Jack was growing sick of people saying that, but said nothing, as he was too injured to do so.

"Will you stop that?" Karen commanded calmly while climbing down the mountain. "You honestly think that you just randomly snapped?"

"Maybe…" whimpered Gray, somewhat afraid of her. "What the hell could it be?"

"For the last time, it's one of Rick's glitched inventions!"

Kai just blinked at the massive arguments over which asinine theory the group would accept. "Um, I was hired to kill all of you guys, so can you stand still?"

"Jack, you bastard! If you had just helped to pay for Rick's liver surgery, he wouldn't be doing this to us!"

Jack groaned. No one would know his genius awareness of the truth.

Besides, it was Harris's fault that Rick needed a new liver. Long story; very sad.

"Shouldn't I be home, farming or something…?" the farmer thought to himself (God, how far from farming has his adventure gone?). "Why me?"

He curled into a ball, trembling as the purple demon hovered over him.

"You bastards survived these illusions for long enough!"

"Wait…" The antisocial rancher froze. "So…my dreams of being a tap dancer…never came true?"

* * *

After a fit of pure rage, the purple thingy (brilliant, no?) was lying on the ground, completely still. No one questioned how the person controlling their minds could be beaten so easily by an aspiring dancer, but decided that it was some kind of clone.

Well, Jack did, anyway. Everyone else just wanted to get the hell out of there.

* * *

_Was the ending rushed? Meh, I started to hate this story arc halfway through Chapter Eight. I thought 'Hey, if I get this crappy storyline done with I'll want to update more!'_

_And to those who didn't like this storyline either, please accept, as a humble apology..._


	10. Death of a Power Berry Salesman

_...another chapter, just like the older ones. It's shorter than the others, but at least you got something that...well... doesn't suck for a change._

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Ten: Death of a Power Berry Salesman**

Summer 26. It was definitely a great day for some.

Those who went crazy returned to their realities. The bar patrons just dismissed the unconscious youth lying on the ground as drunks, which was rather accurate for Karen. Her father was also passed out on the floor, but he was simply unconscious.

Popuri and Gray resumed their normal careers- moping around all day and running around while watering dead flowers. Karen beat Rick over the head several times, interrupting his pathetic work. Jack was not so fortunate.

He woke up in Town Square, surrounded by every citizen of the town. The sun was setting, so everyone had gotten away from their jobs. Well, the bar _should_ have been open, but after everyone began to pass out there the health inspector closed it down.

"What the hell is going on?" Jack blurted out. He was sitting on a bench, but his hands were tied to it with rope.

"Well, you see..." The mayor seemed nervous about how to explain things to Jack, mainly because he was known as 'the blue kid with the sickle'. "According to the Book of the Harvest Goddess, the purging of all sins is scheduled to take place tomorrow, so if any impure souls are left in the village, we'll kinda…get sent to hell…"

"Damn cults," he muttered. "Why am I an impure soul?"

"Killed a chicken," Gray stated.

"Insulted the elderly," Jeff said.

"Nearly cut my head off," Thomas whimpered.

"Locked yourself in a cellar with Karen," Ann blabbed. "I have no idea what you two were doing down there, but I can assume…"

Karen was tempted to toss an empty beer bottle (she always has one of those around, as many probably know) to silence her best friend. However, all the religious nuts would probably put her in the same group as Jack, so she decided to wait.

"E-hay eft-lay us-ay o-tay ie-day in-ay a ire-fay," a Harvest Sprite said.

Everyone stared at the gnome, who quickly scurried back to his cave.

"You city folks are fluent in Pig Latin, no?" Gotz said threateningly. "What'd 'e say?"

"'He left us to die in a fire'…" Jack said regretfully.

"Oh yeah, he's definitely gotta go," Harris said. "Trying to kill the goddess's family, eh?"

As the angry mob approached, Jack closed his eyes. He struggled to try to rip the ropes off, but he couldn't.

_Crap! This could be the end. Just like it always is… Wait! I can't let them do this to me. There's gotta be something else I can distract them with. Why can't it be like the city where everyone was too busy shooting each other?_

_Wait—that's it!_

The farmer smiled. He had found an element of Flowerbud Village that was shared with his home city.

"People!" he called, causing them to pause for a brief moment. "Don't you want to stop the salesman?"

The mob began to talk to each other, all of them asking about who he was referring to.

"You know, that guy who comes to festivals and hangs out in the corner conning everyone who's dumb enough to go by him?"

He jerked his head to the corner. "See? He's over there!"

A man, dressed in a jet black suit and sunglasses, turned to face the mob. He dropped the old rotten apple that he was painting red.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked, sounding incredibly suspicious. "I'm just a fellow from the next town. I stop by to bring stuff you wouldn't find in your own town. Heck, I even give children candy!"

Stu, Kent, and May, as if on cue, staggered out of the crowd dizzily. The villagers exchanged glances at each other.

"Wait—there's gotta be something I've done that hasn't been slowly killing the morals of this town!" The salesman panicked as sweat dripped down his face. "…You see, I've been very active in providing homes for the homeless."

"Yeah right," a very irritated Cliff spat. "You took away the cardboard box I lived in to store drugs in it!"

Most of the townspeople were getting uncharacteristically enraged. Perhaps it was fear of the Harvest Goddess's apocalypse, or perhaps they hated conmen as much as anyone else.

"GET 'EM!" cried the clown, leading the mob of normally peaceful human beings to rush at the single man.

"Darn…" The shady man's head moved to several angles, trying to find a way out. He was cornered. "I knew that selling stuff in the corner of the Town Square would cause me nothing but trouble…"

---

Everyone gathered in the Town Square once more at five minutes before midnight. In the previous hour, Jack managed to get untied by Popuri.

Thankfully, since everyone was too worried about the Harvest Goddess, no one noticed that they still hadn't punished Jack.

Kai was sitting with his arm around Karen, who wasn't the least bit suspicious after yesterday's events. He whispered something to her, which was probably 'I love you', causing her to smile. Jack mouthed something to him, which was most likely a threat.

Soon after Jack's threat, the clock struck midnight, meaning that if any evil people were in the village that everyone would suffer. But no one died and, due to the previous events of the tale, the goddess killing people wouldn't be the most farfetched event shown. Everyone must have had pure hearts.

---

"Oh crap, that was today?" exclaimed the goddess, who was lying in bed and looking at a calendar. "Ah, whatever, I'll get that Jack kid some other day…"


	11. Green

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Eleven: Green**

Jack's fear of the villagers was slowly growing. Besides his obvious Kai-related paranoia, the young farmer also lived in fear of the Green family. The fact that he was afraid of polite farmers (…okay, Gray _was_ kind of an asshole) didn't help his reputation at all.

Both of Doug's children had less-than-positive opinions of Jack. Gray's reasons were obvious, and every time he expressed them Jack's blood loss increased dramatically. But what about the red-headed girl?

* * *

Ann rubbed her eyes as he lay in bed. The old shack was likely to collapse at any given moment, but thankfully that would not be until years later. Or days. The local architects weren't exactly professionals, or even slightly qualified. 

She got dressed into her overalls and ran outside. The day was bright and sunny, except for the areas Gray walked around in. They, somehow, seemed to decay with every footstep he took. Metaphorically, of course. I think.

Colorful leaves blew in the wind, all falling into a pile in front of the ranch doors. Contestants for the annual Cow Festival gathered in the center, all standing next to the mammals they entered. The word 'mammals' is used because some entrants forgot what festival it was, and instead brought sheep. One sad, sad man brought a panda. Not only was there no Panda Festival, but smuggling pandas onto the island was a felony. This happened to be the previously lynched salesman, who was promptly injured again by Mayor Thomas.

"Get out of our village you goddamn bum!" the mayor spat, despite the many children watching. "Go to Goat milk Village if you want to sell your drugs, or Asian animals, or other crap!"

The irritable mayor noticed the crowd and paused. He coughed and inched backwards. "Heh…so… Bring out the judge!"

A viscous creature oozed into everyone's view. It was dressed in a purple coat, and a large top hat. Two giant lips covered most of its face.

"Hello, I am the Gourmet Man," it greeted, revealing its alias and gender. "Welcome to the Cow Festival! Please gather around as I drink a lot of milk, because it's free… I mean, it's my job."

Everyone ignored the man as he swallowed gallons of free beverages. Ann walked over to Jack, who was trembling. How could she be in high spirits, as every single visitor knows that she loves, with such a psycho on her family's property?

"What's wrong, Jack?" she asked. "Are you worried that some people _didn't_ overlook all the stuff you did over the past two years?"

"No, I was waiting to find out how my cow did," he admitted. "But thanks for infusing terror into me."

"You jump off the roof of a building with a razor-sharp blade and attack the mayor, yet _I_ scare _you_?"

"For the last time, it was a freaking mistake! I thought that he was the purple bandana possessing thingy!"

Jack's ranting didn't help at all. "All my worst fears have been confirmed…" Ann muttered. "So, Jack, did this whatever-the-hell-you-just-mentioned lock you in that cellar, too?"

"It was a damn raccoon! You should know what those are, considering you probably run them over all the time with a trailer, so shut the hell up you hillbilly!"

Jack blinked, realizing that he had a rather violent outburst. All his pent-up rage had been released, besides the rage towards Kai, that is.

However, shouting at people is not a recommended way to do that. Ann turned red as she reached silently for a hoe. When she shouted at Jack that "if he ever effed up like that again she'll come after him", she was joking. Or at least that was the impression she gave Jack at the moment.

"S-s-sorry…" he stammered, as the three 's'-s in the word 'sorry' clearly indicate. "I'm just so…worried…and…"

The girl swung her hoe at him wildly. As it slightly slashed through the boy's overalls, Jack got an increasingly growing urge to run away.

"I just…keep messing everything up…" he muttered, his mind overwhelmed with unnecessary angst. "I don't know why I can't just fit in, and all I do is blame it on other people…"

"—Inanimate objects," Ann cut in, not helping at all.

"…if what Jeff said is true, then why do I think of Kai as the alter-ego that I hate so much? Why does it only affect me?"

"Schizophrenia?" the farm girl shrugged, playing with the tool in her hands. "You do seem to withdraw from reality in favor of fantasy and delusion a lot." Ann was actually a licensed doctor, so if she changed her mind while stabbing Jack, she could easily fix him up. Not likely she would, though.

"Fine, okay… You know, about that incident with the cellar…"

The girl drowned out the sound, still believing her bizarre theory. She clamped her eyes tightly, in case he had index cards with explanations printed on them. When she stopped, Jack had already fled.

Ann growled and jerked her head towards the direction of the crowd. The entire population of five villages was gathered, and many of them were dressed like Jack.

"AHA!" she exclaimed, running into Jack. It had to be him!

"Hi, Ann!" he said cheerfully.

"You idiotic bastard!" Ann snarled, raising the hoe in rage. "How can you act so happy when you know what you called me?"

"Why would I insult you?" Jack asked, puzzled. "We've been good friends ever since I first met you at the Mineral Town Inn!"

She twitched. _Mineral Town? _What kind of a crappy name for a place was that? But at this point, Ann was fed up with gratuitous violence. Feeling somewhat defeated, she sat on the grass and watched the festival.

The Gourmet Man, whose true name was in some alien tongue unknown to humans, wobbled over to the table where all the milk was placed. He grabbed a large jug and examined it closely, before reluctantly taking a gulp.

"Hmm…" he muttered, stroking his chin(s) in thought. "This is from the Possum farm, no?"

"Hey ma', they knows us!" a farmer called out.

"I can tell, as now cow could possibly excrete this." He shuddered before dropping it on the ground. "And that wasn't even milk. That was _urine_."

"Yer in alotta trouble fer gettin' the wrong drink!" a woman scolded the previously mentioned farmer.

After that rather tasteless (except for the Gourmet, that is) moment, the competition resumed. Hesitantly, he reached for the next jug. It was blue. Turning his head to see if anyone was paying attention, he jerked the container backwards, sending God-knows-what-that-was flying into the bushes.

He made a false smile with his gigantic lips, in hope that whoever entered it would be so content that they would never trouble him with that poison again. The next three contestants were perfectly fine. He let out a sigh of relief.

"Well, I believe I've made a conclusion," he announced. Everyone was chattering, so he took a light step and caused a minor tremor in the ground. "A-hem! Like I was saying, I've reached a verdict! All entries were good…" He didn't even judge half of them, but few were intelligent enough to notice. "…but one contestant was excellent! So without wasting more time, the winner is Jack!"

"YES!" exclaimed the farmer, leaping up from the mob.

"Jack from the Mineral Farm!"

This sent Flowerbud Jack crashing back down as his look-alike hopped up eagerly to accept his prize. The defeated farmer glanced sadly at his cow. A thought that the cow wished she could communicate to him filled her mind.

"_Why don't you have your sheep win it for you, bitch?"

* * *

_

_The last line refferred to Chapter 2. I know the urine joke was in poor taste. The quality of this fic is going to hell, huh?_

_Yeah, I wanted to take the focus off Jack, if not for a little bit, so this one was more about Ann. Next chapter will either be about Popuri or Karen. Then the next will be about the other. _

_I know I promised some New Year's thing, like I did for Christmas and Halloween, so here's some early draft of a one-shot I'm working on, ever-so-brilliantly titled:_

**Random Jack/Karen Fluffy Thingy (I'm Goddamn Brilliant, no?)**

The young man, Jack, wandered through the vacant village for the first time since he was a small child. It was only yesterday that he had visited his grandfather's farm in the outskirts, only to hear his grandfather's final words and watch the as old man died.

It is safe to assume that he was unhappy.

Jack straightened his blue baseball cap. Since no one was at home, he guessed that they were in the Town Square. Two stone staircases lead up to the gates of the town square.

"Oh…this is the first day of the year!" he recalled out loud, figuring that the absence of people made talking to himself okay.

_A teenage Jack wandered through the same village. Instead of the blue overalls he was wearing in the present, he wore a simple black t-shirt and jeans. He walked an inch before being ambushed by Kent and Stu, two brothers that were about four years old at the time. _

_"Hey, big brother!" Kent, the older one by a few minutes, called out. _

_Jack sighed. Although he loved how affectionate these two kids were towards him, he WAS planning on hitting on chicks. "Darn it. Yes, Kent?" _

_"Why is it that only grown-ups are allowed to go to the New Year's festival?" _

_"No idea," the teenager answered with a shrug. "Sorry." He walked away, wondering about the same thing. _

Now Jack was curious once more, but he soon dismissed it as one of the pointless egg-collecting festivals or something similar. That thought soon left his mind, as "HOLY CRAP!" left his mouth.

At that very moment, Ann, a girl he knew from his childhood visits, collapsed onto the ground, sending her beer splattered into the crowd of people.

It was a drinking contest. A damned drinking contest.

Zack sighed and dragged the unconscious (due to a combination of alcohol overdose and slamming her head into the rocky ground) girl home. Jack walked towards the crowd of people, hoping he could introduce himself.

Of course, the drunks acted as if he wasn't there. His grandfather had died yesterday, and all the people were so intoxicated that nothing went through their mind.

Jack merely ignored them, despite the fact that the drinking contest had left several people lying on the ground, unconscious. Seeing these people again brought him back to his childhood. However, seeing them like this made his childhood seem rather depressing.


	12. Pinkfluffyhyperaw, just read it!

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Twelve: PinkFluffyHyperYAYFLOWERS (a.k.a Popuri's Chapter)**

_Sorry! I promise the next chapter won't be as lousy and filler-y as this one. Also, I've decided to change the genre to Humor/Romance, since Jack does really like Karen, and that's one of the reasons he freaks out about Kai. And, on a fucking shameless note, romance fics usually get more reviews. I'm such a bastard. :P_

"NOOOOOO!" Popuri's shriek didn't help the matter at all. A mass of dark brown, shriveled up matter that once looked like flowers was hit by the sound waves, crumbling it and blowing the bits away. The pink haired girl lowered her head in shame. All the work she did in Spring and Summer disintegrated before her eyes…

After sobbing for a few minutes over an annual occurrence, she decided to be cheerful again. The girl zipped away from her family's shop and towards the Green Ranch.

The crowds of people had departed, except for a single young man leaning against the fence, but Popuri didn't see him. Some of the more careless farmers (a good 80 percent of them, to be precise) had left their livestock there. The cows and…other miscellaneous animals were blinking in confusion, tilting their heads to try to find their owners.

The girl left a mirror image of herself as she dashed towards the livestock, barely touching the ground. She landed on a cows back, causing it to groan.

"Wheeeee!" she exclaimed, not noticing the farmer staring at her. "This is like when I was three, except this time I didn't fall on my head and get an owie!"

Don't act so surprised.

---

_The pink-haired girl did a cartwheel and rolled onto the Green Ranch's pasture. A six-year old Ann blinked in surprise as Popuri splashed mud into the air. The little girl approached her hyperactive friend slowly._

"_Um, what are you doing?" she asked Popuri, who was currently being rocketed away on the cow's back._

"_COW!" she shouted, since she was only three years old at the time. "Cow is fun!"_

_Immediately, she was hurtled into the air. An eight-year old Gray peered out the window of his shack, which Popuri promptly slammed into. He later gave her first aid, as he wasn't the chronically depressed jerk we know and love as he is in most of this story._

_---_

Popuri eventually got bored after an hour. She slid of the cow's back and spun in the air before landing on the ground. Standing nearby was Jack, who was perplexed.

"Why did you just get here at this time?" he asked her. "The festival's been over for a while now."

Overlooked in the previous setting description was the time. The sun was setting in the sky, as the buyer had just left Jack's farm for the city. The sky was red, but not in a way that would trigger Jack's paranoia and lead to inane raving. The way not involving aliens or chemical imbalances.

"Oops," Popuri said apologetically. "I just forgot it was today. Usually people just go to the Green Ranch to buy eggs, so I thought it was nothing important."

"And when they stayed there for five hours?" inquired the farmer.

"Well, by that point I didn't care about anything but the eulogy…"

Jack's eyes widened, despite him being incredibly tired. Someone had died. It was probably one of the elderly people, or… Karen? Did her liver explode from all the alcohol?

"…W…What happ-happened?" he barely managed to say. He slumped against the fence, unable to stand. How could this happen? Everyone in the village was so nice… with the exceptions of Gray, Saibara, and Gotz.

"It was th…the…" Popuri was equally upset. Tears streamed from her eyes. Someone so very close to them all was gone. Someone who was always there…

Carpenter? Potion shop owner? Vineyard manager? Salesman who was probably already dead by now?

At last, the pink haired girl ended the suspense. In a weak voice, she muttered…

"It was the flowers!" she wailed, jumping onto Jack for support.

"WH-WHAT?" A part of Jack was incredibly thankful that no human was dead. The rest of him was flabbergasted by the idiotic mourning coming from the girl.

"They were always there for me…" she moaned, wiping her eyes. "I took care of them all the time, and for what? They're all brown and turning into dust!"

"Oh for the love of…" Jack didn't waste time trying to make this easy. "Popuri, you can plant new flowers. You, however, made it seem like someone of actual importance was dead."

Well, it might not have been anyone important. No one really gave a damn about the potion shop owner or the three carpenters. Now that that's been mentioned, wasn't there four… oh, never mind.

"But what else do I have?" asked Popuri. "Most people think I'm strange because of my red eyes and weird hair."

"No, I think they've been dealing with that for previous generations of your family. I think they believe you're too childish to contribute to society."

"Exactly, and growing plants is the only thing I can do to stop myself from annoying people. You remember how I usually stalk you more in Fall and Winter!"

Jack froze for a moment. It was true. Despite the fact that she followed him many times during the first half of the year, she pursued him non-stop the rest of the time. Crap! If plants never died, he could get her to leave him alone for good!

But did Jack really want that? Despite the…well, stalking that would get arrested in most of the world, Popuri really was quite nice. Jack had never considered how the town treated her. Mayor Thomas, when not incapacitated, would be commonly heard mumbling curses about how Popuri had thrown mud all over his bedroom and planted flowers inside his house. She thought that the Sowing Festival's "let's-plant-flowers-all-over-the-damn-place" message should apply to every day.

Has it been a mystery as to what happens to the horse track for the majority of the year? The mayor used it to keep Popuri from causing chaos by distracting her with horses.

She was quite similar to Jack.

"I…I'm sorry…" he stammered. "I just thought that someone died, that's all." He said it as if nothing strange had happened. "So, you like…cows…?" Damn. It's a mystery how Jack could be so alone.

"Cows make mooing sounds," Popuri responded. Before Jack could smack his head, she continued, "They're always so happy, right?"

"Um…sure…" His cow was plotting something. This paranoia was actually justified by the threatening glares and ramming.

The pink haired girl approached him closely. By that time, Ann had left the house, wondering why she sensed trouble.

"What the hell are you doing here at this hour…oh, I don't care anymore." The redheaded girl grumbled and looked fiercely at Jack. "Don't you have your own farm to take care of?"

Knowing the nature of this story, it was most likely on fire. Jack had neglected his work for a while, and promptly ran away to go back to his farm.

"You know you shouldn't be doing that to the cows, Popuri," Ann insisted. "Do you remember when Stu and Kent used to be quiet kids?"

"DO YOU?" Kent asked. "How do cows make milk? Why's the farm called the Green Ranch?"

Before the author had to resort to using the clichéd question "Where do babies come from?" the two were chased off the fields by an incredibly irritable Gray. He growled and tossed a pitchfork, which never appeared in the game itself but does in every goddamn concept art of Jack ever made.

Popuri's eyes sparkled. She blushed as she watched him possibly injure small children.

What the hell was the logic behind this couple, anyway?


	13. It was Inevitable DPT pt1

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Thirteen: Deep, Philosophical Thoughts, Part One— It was Inevitable**

Jack relaxed on his bed. His overalls were covered in dirt after the long day at the cow festival (he had been knocked over several times in the crowd), and the moon was already hovering in the sky. It always was in the sky, and it would be logical that the world of Harvest _Moon_ would have a moon, but it was dark, okay?

He was worrying about his fate in this town. Surely Karen had at least _some_ understanding of his behavior. She claimed that it was Rick's fault, and, judging from the fact that he went into hiding, still supported that idea. But that was wrong. All Jack needed to do was get evidence.

But conspiracy theories had been put on the side for a while now. The telescope, binoculars, and hidden tape recorders were all gathering dust. Surely they would be useless now in their dust-encased state, but Jack could only hope that he didn't have to cough up a small fortune in gold. He had no idea if there were any stores selling that equipment that would accept this obscure currency.

He had to get some way for Karen to understand him. She had to know that, while Kai might be a nice guy, that he was being controlled by an unseen force that would eventually overpower him and slaughter the entire population of the island and the neighboring continent of Asia.

"I wonder what's going on next door…" he muttered, glancing out the window. He tilted his head. Despite the darkness, he could make out Kai's image walking towards the vineyard. "Doesn't he live there? Why was he outside; he never goes to the Cow Festival, and all the other stores and places were closed…right?"

Curiosity overwhelmed him almost instantly.

Jack pushed his window opened and slipped out of the shack. He broke his fall by pushing against the earth with his hands. Maybe having the woodcutter's expand his home to have a second floor ten feet in the air wasn't as convenient as he had hoped.

Brushing the dirt off of him, Jack rose to his feet and went into the horse's stable. Buried under piles of hay rested a telescope and a pair of headphones. He took all of them and ran to the edge of his property.

Across the road was a large plateau, and on it was the vineyard. Everyone had gone to sleep long ago, but Jack was still suspicious. And if he was wrong, no one would be awake to find out.

Jack hummed with glee as he set up the equipment. He straightened the telescope and directed it towards the vineyard.

The scene was nothing out of the ordinary in the bedroom of Gotz and Sasha. The former was sound asleep, clutching a giant liquor bottle like a teddy bear. The latter was cowering in fear, reevaluating her choice to marry him.

"Damn! Nothing of interest so far." Jack sighed to himself and focused on Karen's room.

"When is he going to get here?" he could hear Karen moan through one of the microphones he'd installed a while ago. "I swear, how long can it take him to get here? He lives on our property!"

The farmer grimaced. They were still together. Out of pure jealousy, he zoomed in more. He didn't want to try to justify spying with some demon excuse. He was just pissed.

The young vineyard worker had just entered the woman's bedroom. Jack refused to twitch insanely at the sight of the bandana. He didn't care about that anymore. His so called righteous mission to save Kai from the evil possession or whatever he called it was instantly forgotten.

"_That's it, you son of a bitch! I'm comin' after ya…"_ Jack blinked. "No!" he reminded himself, substantially quieter. "You have to remember that he's not such a bad guy. It's just a hat…"

"_A hat?" _snapped his newly developed second personality. _"Screw that! He's got Karen, and you're stuck on this stupid farm spying on him just because he's got better luck!"_

"But maybe if he's back to his old self…"

"_If his old self is so nice, than she'll just like Kai even more! Say, why don't you _kill_ him? Eh? Ehhh?"_

"What the heck are you talking about?" Jack countered himself. "Now you want me to shoot him?"

"_Perish the thought. Stab him! Hell, I don't care!"_

For the first time in a while, Jack was actually doubting his sanity instead of having someone else do it for him. He gripped his head and growled.

"Shut up! People hate me enough as it is without me killing them!"

"_Well, the mayor…"_

"**WILL EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE MAYOR ALREADY?"**

At last, it happened. Jack's mentality had completely changed, albeit for the worst. Almost foaming at the mouth, the farmer looked into the telescope. His voice was almost like that of an animal—if one could possibly speak English.

The image of Karen and Kai making out was the straw that broke the camel's back. The now completely insane Jack jumped into the air, kicking at the hill. The bones in his foot shattered on impact, but he ignored it (or probably didn't feel it all together). Tossing his watering can into the window, he sent shards of glass scattered all over Karen's floor.

"**How dare they?" he snarled, panting heavily. **He tossed his rucksack against the door, and the force of his throw shattered it in two. **"No one in this village understands me, and I'm tired of having to take all this crap! What the hell do they expect from me?"**

Drunk with power, he stormed into Karen's room. His footsteps echoed like thunder, but Gotz was passed out and Sasha wasn't courageous enough to investigate.

As soon as Jack opened the door, Kai was waiting for him in a ready stance. He gripped Jack's shirt and tossed him out the window in a single swift motion. Thankfully, the smashing of his skull into the hard earth brought him back to his normal, kindhearted self.

Blinking, Jack pulled his face out of the dirt. He spat out a few blades of grass and got himself to his feet. There was a large bruise on his face, and he was covered in dirt. Had he had his memory, he would have prayed that no one had seen him make an ass of himself. Unfortunately, the last five minutes were permanently ejected from his memory and into the never-ending abyss of somewhere else in his body.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Kai sneered, stomping on Jack's back. The farmer closed his eyes tightly and curled into a ball. "Can't you just stop being jealous and leave us the hell alone?"

The ball that used to be Jack tightened more. Was that really all this was about? Had Jack just been so jealous that he let it overwhelm his judgment? Was he only making bizarre claims just to justify everything?

But Jack didn't want to be the paranoid guy he always was. Kai was beating him to death as he pondered all of this. With every kick, the urge for violence grew within Jack's mind, until the point of becoming insane Jack again.

"**Get off!" **

Jack swiped at Kai's leg with his own, tripping him. The farmer ran away, the two personalities conflicting in his head.

"I can't have multiple personalit--"

"**Kill him! Kill him now!"**

"Why is it that all multiple personalities are portrayed as homicidal maniacs?"

"**Well, there was one before when you began to really like sewing. He was a peaceful lad. I miss him… So easy to confuse…"**

"Just shut up!"

"_**You see, the thread must go through the needle at a certain angle to--"**_

"Crap! Now it's back again! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY MIND!"

Karen, startled and confused, stared at the farmer, before smashing a bottle over his head. She'd already drank all of its contents in a minute or two.

"Jack? What was wrong with you? And how could you talk in three different voices so consecutively? Are you an actor hired to make us islanders believe you're really such an idiotic farmer and taping it to make us all look like idiots? DAMN YOU, FOX NETWORK! NOT AGAIN!"

* * *

"Hey, kid! Are you okay?"

Jack woke up to see an old man's face hovering over him.

"Wh-where am I?" stammered Jack, sitting up on the dirt floor. He seemed to be in some kind of old, almost abandoned restaurant.

"You're in an old, almost abandoned restaurant," the old man informed him, defeating the purpose of adding the statement to the narration. "We found you dumped in the mountains while you were still passed out."

"Karen…" Jack moaned. "It's all that goddamn Kai's fault! **Kill**--"

"Wait…" the elderly man interrupted him, pausing for a moment. "Di…did you just say 'that goddamn Kai'?"

"Yes, and I use the phrase quite frequently."

"I've seen him through my telescope," he explained. "Wears a purple bandana. Seems like a nice lad, but doesn't he know?"

"Know what?"

"The secrets of the purple bandana. You've never heard of them? Are you insane?"

_What is causing Jack's multiple personality disorder? Am I even using the correct medical term? Was there supposed to be more profanity in the chapter that was edited out? What are the secrets of the purple bandana? What happened to the Karen chapter you all were promised? How many days in the two month period did it _really_ take to write this chapter? Some of them might be answered next time, mainly the ones not breaking the fourth wall!_


	14. DPT pt 2: Secrets

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Fourteen: Deep, Philosophical Thoughts Part Two—Secrets of the Purple Bandana**

_Fun fact: The five stages of grief are usually identified as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Jack has gone from denial ("Karen doesn't like me? Impossible!"), to anger ("DAMN KAI!"), to bargaining ("This will all stop if I take off the bandana!") straight to stage 3.5—batshit insanity. Depression my ass._

The farmer's eyes lit up.

"Wait…you know the history of it?" Jack said, startled.

"Course I do," the old man replied. "Ain't they teaching you young'uns about it in school?"

"No," a disappointed Jack sighed. That would have saved him _so_ much effort, too. "The man doesn't want us to know about it. So, how'd this all begin?"

The restaurant owner poured some tea for both people. Since this place was so far into the mountains that the only thing the tea could possibly be made of was strange herbs, Jack ignored it.

"Okay, if you really want to know…"

* * *

It all began during the 1400's, when the Harvest Goddess had only recently gained all her powers. Harvest Goddess the Seventieth passed her powers on to the Seventy-first, leaving her in control of the entire island.

She left the island's citizens under the command of a young man named Thomas, who looked like a jester. It would be cruel if such genetics were passed on to future generations. The Harvest Goddess continued to play a role in the everyday lives of citizens.

Like all Harvest Goddesses before her, the Seventy-first one had several servants. Many worked diligently, but there was a single one that was kind of an asshole.

'You're an eighty year old hermit living in a mountain range in an already rural and pleasant community. How do you know words like that?'

'Shut the hell up and let me tell my goddamn story!'

'…Okay…'

ANYWAY, Tobias was the only disobedient follower of the Harvest Goddess. Sticking out from the crowd with a purple cloth stolen from a Phoenician trade ship on its way back from Tyre, he would frequently ruin the other servant's plans for his own amusement.

'Weren't the Phoenicians long before…'

'Shut it, will you? If I want a crossover between ancient civilizations hundreds of years apart, then damn it, I will!'

'Please continue.'

One day, Tobias approached the Harvest Goddess, challenging her superiority.

"HEY, YOU DUMB NOOB!" he shouted, causing the goddess to blink in confusion. "I BET YOU ARE TEH SUCK AND I ARE GOING TO BEAT YOU!"

'Could you refrain from modernizing the dialogue?'

'No. No I can't.'

'I'm leaving.'

'No, I need the company! Alright, fine.'

"Art thou a heretic?" the aghast Harvest Goddess gasped. "I reckon you wish to be slain for such blasphemy!"

'Fine, fine, modernize it for all I care!'

'I thought you'd see things my way.'

"You thinks y'all funny 'n' shit?" the green haired maiden threatened. "Is da Harvest Goddess gonna hafta blow yo ass up?"

"It be in da rules, dawg!" Tobias defended himself. "Y'all gotta go before da committee an' show dem that you's qualified!"

The Seventy-first Harvest Goddess was not about to defy the rules, in fear of losing her job. Her case was heard before the Three Judges of the Island, ageless sages that existed since the dawn of mankind. All of their faces were concealed by hoods, making them look like an incarnation of death.

The first sage claimed it was "just a'ight, but that he wasn't 'feeling it'."

The second sage gave nothing but praise for her rule over the island.

Her fate rested in the hands of the third and final Judge of the Island. The third Judge was infamous. Some referred to him as the Son of Beelzebub, while others referred to him as Simon.

"Mortality is too good for you," he commented. "That was just plain awful. I mean, are you supposed to be a goddess or some toddler playing with dolls here?"

The third sage raised his palm, forming a bright, red, glowing ball in front of it. With his free hand, he pulled down his hood, revealing his true identity.

"Tobias!" the goddess exclaimed. "Y'all better not shoot dat thing at me!"

Instantly, a violent red beam struck her. Her green hair transformed back into brown, and her skin charred as she lost her immortality. The girl, seconds away from collapsing, fired a final green spark into Tobias's face before her own death.

Tobias laughed maniacally, until the green bolt electrocuted him. His soul rose higher and higher up into his body, before pushing out of his skull and inhabiting the purple bandana he loved so much. At that moment, his eyes rolled back and he died.

* * *

"So the bandana's putting his soul into Kai's mind?" Jack inquired. "And how could he do all that magic stuff like kill the goddess if he was only a servant?"

"Oh, something about the Harvest Witch, children, barbequing, and so forth…"

"Those are some pretty friggin' important details!" Jack shouted. How dumb did this old man think he was? That wasn't something he could just overlook. "You think I can't handle the truth, don't you?"

"Perhaps," the elderly restaurant owner said solemnly. "Mere seconds after Tobias died, the second sage put on the bandana to see if it looked good on her. She became the first person possessed by Tobias. She hanged herself the next day. Tobias was a big enough ass to kill _himself_ if he'd possessed an enemy's body. You're just a silly farmer who's most likely going to be burned at the stake by an angry mob. You're powerless."

"Then why did you save me?" Jack snapped. "And how do you know that I'm a silly farm…HEY!"

"One with the supernatural in his eyes can see anything… and those with telescopes can see almost as much. I see you when my telescope is targeted on… Well, who I spy on and why is unimportant! And I saved your life because I needed someone to try our new soup. But now I'd rather slice your tongue into bits and throw it over the cliffs!"

"Enough!" shouted Jack. "I'm starting to not care what you think of me—probably because your hatred isn't anything new! All I care about is where you get your knowledge!"

The old man turned away, almost in shame. The floor underneath him was only the earth, and portions of the dirt slowly turned to mud.

"Y…you… You come in here and wake up all these bad memories… And you want me to further exacerbate my mind by reliving them?"

"What do you mean?" questioned Jack, approaching the confusing man slowly.

"I was the first sage, the very first Judge of the Island!" he spilled out, tears bursting from his eyes and showering the room. "That's why I had to add all the slang into the dialogue. Don't you watch American Idol? The system of 'gangstah', 'overly sensitive drugged-up woman', and 'asshole' has existed for millennia! And who knows what Tobias will do to me once I'm found out!"

"Wimp!"

Jack smacked the sage. "You've lived for millions of years! I knew that even before I knew you were immortal!" A tear slid down his face at this comment. "You have all these powers, and yet you still let Tobias run around! Kai's going to friggin' die because of him! Because of you! So shut the hell up and get out of retirement!"

"I can't," the responded, bitter and serious. "I've weakened too much over the years. Even that little Stu kid beat me up the other day when I decided to go back to the village. I need an heir to my powers…"

He noticed Jack repeatedly pointing at himself.

"…I may as well keep you as a temporary apprentice. At least until I find one that's actually qualified."

Jack decided to cheer for himself, despite the old man's comment being an extremely malicious insult.


	15. DPT pt3: Apprentice

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Fifteen: Deep, Philosophical Thoughts, Part Three— The Apprentice, Horrid Toupee-less Division **

**Fact: **Instead of the "you look like crap" incident in Chapter One, I wanted to have Jack try to dig in the soil and break his hoe on a rock. He would then shout, "You stupid hoe!" I prefer the "hoe" line, but for some reason I edited it.

"Jack," the elderly sage began, "it is important to note that once I grant you the gifts of my training, you may lose your sanity. Lesser minds have been known to do that…" After surveying what he'd learned about that, he casually added, "On second thought, disregard that."

"Darn right you're gonna disregard that! 'Cause I'm too great a man to be broken by such stress. I'm determined. I know I can do this, because love is the greatest power in the universe!"

"Right, right," laughed the old man. "Whatever you say. Love beats nuclear genocide, peace forever, whatever you hippies say… Just go out into the training arena and show me what you can do. We'll discuss it later, okay?" When Jack left, he muttered, "I'm taking a nap. Won't miss anything, that's for sure."

The farmer stepped out of the shack and gazed out at the Moon Mountains. In the secluded "back yard" (albeit without grass, a shed, or any signs of civilization) of his new mentor, he found the area lined with swords, training dummies, shuriken, and Clefairy (oops, wrong Mt. Moon).

He whistled in astonishment. Who'd have known that this seemingly sweet old chef could have annihilated the entire village ten times over and then some with the stuff he kept there?

But that was a good thing, as Jack's attempt at optimism informed him. That just meant that he could stop the evil bandana ghosts that he was certain weren't figments of his imagination. After all, a nomad from the mountains claiming to have lived for millennia couldn't be wrong.

He was convinced this because he hadn't said it out loud in a while. Otherwise, his opinion may have differed.

"Die!"

Jack jumped into the air and kicked through a dummy's neck. Immediately, stuffing flew into his eyes, temporarily blinding him. He flailed in the air before slamming his head into a rock on the ground.

As blood oozed across the ground, the sage awoke from his nap to witness the grisly scene. Groaning, he walked up to the injured farmer.

"Dayumn, you are TEH NOOB!"

"God, stop talking like that! You've existed forever! You were involved in the trials of countless damned souls! You witnessed the death of a goddess! Why must you pretend to be a modern, urban black man?"

"There wasn't any form of English back then. We originally communicated through impaling each other a variety of times. 'Twas quite painful, but that's how they determined who was fit to be a judge."

"Good for you! Now get me some hel…"

The farmer's movement stopped before he could add a "p". When you get to the point where that because a hazard to your health, that's past the point of no return.

His mentor stared at him for a minute, then prodded him with a nearby twig. This ripped open Jack's shoe, causing an ectoplasmic image to leak from his foot, eventually standing upright in human form.

"Oh my…" the sage gasped, covering his mouth, startled. "Look at your socks!"

"AHEM," Jack pretended to cough, "I'M _DEAD_ HERE."

"They're BLUE."

"No way! And my cousin back in the city had green shoes. What's your point?"

"Your socks are blessed! By the deceased Harvest God!"

"…Wait, the Harvest God is dead? What kind of deity gets killed like that? More importantly, what good can his blessing do if he's just some dead guy?"

"The Harvest God was nearly omnipotent! Except when it came to sharp objects. Never did too well with them, no sir-ee… Needless to say, sharp things aren't as rare as they were when I was young, so it was a pretty big tragic flaw…But, in a nutshell, you can tap into the socks' magical powers."

"That's crazy."

"So only bandanas can be haunted?"

"…Touché. But…the Harvest God's soul has been in me all this time? So I'm just a reincarnation? A temporary copy damned to die, cease to be, and have my soul recycled into another, completely different person who will have no memory or resemblance to me and repeat the pattern until the Big Crunch ends the universe, killing everything? Is that my destiny?"

"…No, he just gave you some magic socks. Pessimist."

"Sorry. Go on."

"You'll have to learn to tap into this in order to successfully defeat Tobias and free Kai once and for all. As a human, you will fail. As some guy who can't control his Harvest God powers, you will fail. Hell, as a blue ghost you'll fail too. In fact…"

"I. Get. It." Jack's teeth had been clenched and his fists had been quaking for two solid minutes now, which took its toll on him, even though he had no physical form anymore. "Can you please tell me how to revive myself?"

"Float back into your corpse."

"The Harvest God's powers let me do that?" exclaimed Jack. "Incredible! It makes everything seem so simplistic now…"

"No, everyone can do that."

"…But why don't they?"

"Humans are stupid."

_Short chapter, I know. But there's another one soon to come... _


	16. DPT pt4: In 3 parts

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Sixteen: Deep, Philosophical Thoughts: Part Four—The New Harvest God**

**Part of Greenfrie's 666 Spectacular! (Why? What's scarier than Jack getting godlike powers?)**

**Fact: **Like many, I am frustrated by how dumb Spell Check can be. It suggested "gonad" after I typed "gonna". As a game, try replacing every instance of "gonna" with "gonad". The time you waste will astound you.

**Sub-Part One: If Fanfics Had Montages, This Would _So_ Be One**

Jack jumped into the air and kicked at a similar dummy, this time releasing a massive blue glow from his foot. The head of the dummy burst before his actual foot touched it, bursting it into billions of particles.

Needless to say, Jack had leapt the wrong and plummeted towards a similar fate as last time, but it was a victory for him nonetheless. To keep the farmer's training going uninterrupted, the sage had cleared the area of rocks. Just in case (although it was guaranteed, since this is Jack, after all).

"Didn't you learn when that rock smashed your head open?" he mocked. "Or did you forget that?"

"Didn't you learn when the little village kids who keep asking me where babies come from kicked your sorry—?"

The sage waved his hand and threw the farmer into the distance.

"And you have the right to talk like that _why_?"

---

Jack had his arms crossed in front of him with his fists clenched before he brought them to his sides and let out a giant scream. From his feet, blue bolts shot upward, tinting his hair green and morphing it into a group of deadly spikes.

"You're merely a Harvest Demigod Level Two," the sage taunted once more. He smirked. "I can reach level three, even without being blessed."

With that, the old man suddenly grew a fully head of grass-like hair, which extended down to his feet. Suddenly, after a mysterious blue flash, two shoes were all of Jack left in a two mile radius.

---

Jack slid his sock, now with googly-eyes, over his hand and slid it over his sickle. The blade turned a bright green color and emitted a yellow glow.

Charging towards a dummy in the same style as those who had caused him so much misfortune, he felt certain that he'd succeed.

He was too far to the left, and zipped down to the base of the mountain at a rate of 9.8 meters per second per second at a height of 600 meters.

---

At the end of the training session, Jack was dilapidated, bloody, and exhausted. As he struggled to catch his breath on the restaurant floor, the sage sat beside him and sighed.

"Maybe I was wrong… Maybe blue socks are a bit more common than they used to be. Hell, I've been wrong before. Rented this place to the sprites months back; sons of bitches burned it to the ground."

Jack chuckled at the memory. "Yeah… weren't times simpler back then?"

"What? You're joking, right? That left me homeless, and I'll be damned if rebuilding it miraculously wouldn't cause suspicion. People tend to notice."

"No, no, not for you. I couldn't care less. I mean me. Wow, Kai was just some guy who was stealing the girl I liked, and not some evil demon trying to overthrow the divine beings of the world. Now think about it."

"Oh, good for you then," the sage faked enthusiasm before mumbling several curses (both profanity and actual curses that were meant to kill him).

"Now I've been sucked into such a conflict… One that could kill everyone on this island, maybe the world…"

"No, just the island."

"…Oh. Well, that's still a lot."

"Less than one hundred."

"Whatever! The point is that things seem to escalate so quickly. I guess I didn't expect it to be so sudden, what with the evil possessions and all."

"It shouldn't. If I had it my way, kids'd learn 'bout that before they learned how to read. And old people could become rap stars. But mainly the bandana story."

"Glad your priorities are well arranged."

"I try."

---

Jack sat alone in front of the window, staring at what he could see of his faded reflection. Repeatedly, he would make his hair alternate from brown to green and fire sparks out of his hand. How could he have powers like this and _still_ be such a fool?

He formed an energy ball in his hand and smashed the window open, the lawsuits slowly chipping away at his gold inventory. At this point, he didn't really care about anything, since he'd fail anyway.

Sighing, he jumped up and propelled himself into the air. He burst through the roof, sending pieces of wood scattered everywhere. Still in his Harvest God form, he flew away. He'd only had the powers for a day and it was getting to be too much.

**Subpart Two: Journey into the Unknown**

Jack flew away from human eyes, into the clouds that concealed everything. Even with his lack of experience, he managed enough force to carry him at the speed of hundreds of miles per hour.

Looking down, he spotted an old friend wandering around in the desert. Immediately, he turned off his powers and fell toward the sand.

A young man in ragged clothes turned his head. On his shoulder was an equally messy looking bird. The wandering man seemed shocked to see a green-haired man fall from the sky. After all, _green_ hair?

"J…Jack? Is that you?" He rubbed his eyes, then burst into tears.

"Glad to see me, Cliff?"

"No…" mumbled Cliff. "Traveling place to place working in chemical plants. Nowhere to wash my hands out in this damned desert."

"…Forget I asked, then," Jack said. "So, why'd you even leave Flowerbud, anyway? It's a really nice place?"

"Oh, it was the people. I didn't have that many friends there. Not to mention that there was nowhere I could stay, even if I was liked."

"I'd have let you stay at my farm if you'd asked."

"First day you saw me you ran away."

"Sorry about that. I guess I'm just used to the scary hobos. You know, the kind of hobos that mug people on the streets in busy cities."

"Sure," Cliff answered, completely unaware of whatever Jack was talking about. "So yeah, I didn't have that many friends after a few months there, so I left. What about you, Jack? Why aren't you back in the village?"

"Well, Kai's been possessed by a servant of the former Harvest Goddess who murdered her and now I've been granted the powers of the dead Harvest God to combat him. Everyone in the village is probably going to die because my teacher is a pathetic, senile sage from billions of years back and Karen's going to beat the crap out of me with the last ounce of strength she has after being attacked by Kai, who has the power to send people into worlds based on their worst nightmares."

Jack paused as Cliff stared. "Oh, sorry to hear about you not having that many friends. That sucks, I guess."

"Um, yeah, it sure does."

Cliff ran off into the other direction, back towards the island. Jack was confused. Weren't Cliff's troubles so great that he ran away in the first place? And, more importantly, after hearing about Kai turning into a killing machine, why would he go back to the point where everything would be annihilated?

Jack shrugged. So he'd be alone in his trip through the wasteland. He'd been alone a lot in his life. But curiosity soon entered his mind. Forming a ball in front of him, he gazed inside and focused his thoughts on Flowerbud Village.

An image of the town filled the sphere. Popuri was panicking, most likely over his disappearance. The blacksmith cautiously entered the Harvest Sprite's cave, unzipped his costume and stepped out of his human skin in gnome form. And Karen was getting drunk in the bar.

And then Jack knew why he had to return.

**Subpart Three: Trouble Brews…NOW!**

Jack flew to the steps of the bar, but not flying in threw the window. He wanted to keep his powers subtle, and reveal them when it was appropriate, as not to frighten the villagers any more than he already had.

On the other hand, he could win a _lot_ of bar bets.

Jack walked in with green hair, telling people that he didn't know how big of an ass he looked like. Duke blinked twice while rubbing a glass with a washcloth.

"Lose a bet?" The drunks laughed. However, they were drunk enough to laugh at, "My kitty's dying!" when May ran in for help.

"No," Jack replied with a smirk. "I'm gonna _win_ one today."

Jack had been notorious in the village for his poor luck and tendency to lose at any competition miserably. But he felt that his luck had turned around with the new Harvest God powers. People would respect and/or fear him.

"Oh yeah?" Karen, being the long-time critic of his that she was, walked up to him. "I bet I can beat you in a drinking contest!" Karen, being the long-time alcoholic that she was, challenged him.

"I'm not paying you to drink," Duke injected, before being silenced by an angry, alcohol deprived growl.

"Pfft! First one in need of medical attention wins."

"You're on."

He grabbed a barrel of wine from the back of the room, or "breakfast" as Karen referred to it, and emptied it in a matter of seconds. His opponent did the same with about the same amount of difficulty.

Karen laughed, the reason a combination of pride and drunkenness. Then she collapsed, as she'd been drinking on the job all night.

However, the fact that Jack was the Harvest God and his liver can't explode anymore didn't make him immune to the temporary confusion (see kids, this story is educational) and extreme stupidity.

"Hey, who bets ah c'n blow up th's whole plash!"

"Crazy bum… ah, why not, you're on."

Jack won.

_God help me, there is NOTHING scarier than Jack being God. It'll lead to the end of the world, which is why it's part of the 666 extravaganza! Check my profile for other 666 fics, if Satan hasn't already eaten your soul._


	17. An Occurrence at the Green Ranch

_Author's note: I REALLY like this chapter, as it returns to chapter two, which was one of my favorites. But it's a bit crazier. It's also a more personal chapter, as Chi was real--save for the zombie part. Anyway, I present to y'allz..._

**Krazy Kai **

**Chapter Seventeen: An Occurrence at the Green Ranch **

Duke's bar lay in rubble. The few tables and barrels that had survived the massive bang were either decaying rapidly or overturned and smashed. A slowly sobering Jack had to tiptoe to avoid splinters the size of icicles slashing through the bones of his feet.

All the drunks had been flung from the comfort of their chairs and through the smoke. Many were unconscious near Rick's store, although they would be unconscious regardless of an explosion.

It was to be expected. A drinking contest with Karen involved never went over well. Her alcohol tolerance was close to infinite. The trouble would be how drunk the loser would end up, often leading to something being set on fire. This time, however, they managed to find the only person in the village area of the island with fantastic powers, then get him drunk enough to blow it all up. They should have learned their lesson earlier.

But away from the chaos often proceeded by a drinking contest, the massive explosion of divine energy was causing stranger affects on the other side of the village.

Grey was standing alone in the middle of the deserted ranch, as rain fell harder and harder onto him. He paid no attention. Someone had been able to bring his worst fears into reality. And Kai was there all the time. He couldn't doubt it any more. The idiot was right.

But the trouble with Kai was over with, wasn't it? He hadn't seen him in a while. And it wasn't as if Jack had been around to bug him and make Kai flip out again, either. And when his darkest fears were realized, they were mere nightmares. They couldn't make anything happen in reality. Maybe his fears would go untouched.

And then the ground was ripped open.

The grass had split apart, and chunks of dirt were uplifted. It had seemed like a tunnel had been carved all the way from town, and out from it shot a swarm of green feathered, decaying chickens.

Grey let out a massive, high pitched, feminine screech. Thankfully, his voice was so high that only Jack's dog and the bats attacking the Harvest Sprites knew how afraid he was.

"What the hell is that?" he shouted, not at _all_ disturbing the folks attempting to sleep at three A.M.

"I bet it's trying to sleep, ya jerk!" Saibara the blacksmith spat, in addition to several unnecessary expletives.

"You're going to die, old man! Quit complaining and give the young a chance to defend their actually worthwhile lives!"

Fueled with annoyance, Grey swung his pitchfork into the bird closest to him. If fell apart. Chickens weren't known for living long.

"Why the hell did these damn things pick now to show up, of all times?" the young man cursed.

It was bothersome, surely, but it was easy to destroy all the chickens. It disgusted him to see all the birds fall apart like that, but his life came first. They were dead anyway.

But the Grim Reaper loomed overhead.

Who, you should know by now, is Jack.

"Oh no! Grey!"

The Harvest God rocketed into the ranch, extending a fist. It smashed another chicken, showering him in green feathers. Triumphant, he did a backflip before returning to gravity.

"Thanks, Jack," Grey said, "but I really didn't nee…"

"And what are you doing killing chickens?" Jack inquired. "Weren't you giving me hell about that last summer?"

"Enough, Jack," his nemesis grumbled, slashing apart the undead flock.

Despite their rivalry, the duo managed to defeat anything in their path for a while. But one bird caught sight of Jack and glared.

"Another one's coming up," Jack said, rolling his eyes and readying his Blessed Sickle.

_The Blessed Sickle had been used in the crusade by the original Harvest God against the Harvest Witch. It is the only object said to be used for the act of deicide, and is therefore the holiest and most powerful object in the _ _Flowerbud_ _Village__ universe. In the parallel universe of _ _Mineral_ _Town__, every farmer and his grandmother can get their hands on one if they want to. _

One, two! One, two! And through and through! The Blessed Sickle went snicker-snack…

…but that's because it hit the fence. It missed the zombie bird entirely.

The chicken continued to fly straight at Jack, dodging the other farmer completely. Its eyes burned with hatred as it targeted its beak at his skull.

"…Ch…" He gasped in horror, doubting that he was right. "Chi…?"

The chicken gave no answer, and never would, but Jack couldn't deny it. It had to be his first chicken, Chi, the catalyst for the first battle at the Green Ranch.

"It's not my fault, Chi! No one had taught me how to feed you, I swear to God… the God that doesn't give his role to idiots like me!"

Chi ignored him, not willing to give the man who killed him a second chance. He was a kamikaze chicken on a mission: fly straight through Jack's chest, regardless of the cost. He was going to pay for what he did.

But Jack refused. It was a stupid chicken. He was a god. There was no way he could lose the glory of becoming a deity. He would break through the formula of "Jack gets paranoid and exacerbates a situation, townspeople react negatively, hilarity ensues" that he was expected to abide by.

So he fired laser beams in every direction, most of which struck buildings or set forestfires.

And, to make matters worse, that stupid chicken started pecking the hell out of him


	18. Only the Harvest God Can Prevent Fires

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Eighteen: Only the Harvest God can Prevent Forest Fires**

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

When Jack finally remembered his powers and obliterated the bird instantly, he sighed in relief. All the zombie chickens that had risen as a result of his magical explosions were strewn across the field.

However, he hardly had a reason to rest.

Moon Mountain was ablaze. The Goddess's pond had evaporated into steam, but the mermaid seemed too sleepy to notice that or the massive fire consuming everything in its range.

Before he could consider a way to fix it without putting himself in danger, Grey had already pushed him into the dirt road.

"Get over there and fix it!" commanded the antisocial rancher.

"Wait, maybe I have some kind of power that'll let me shoot it with water from here…"

"No way! You'll end up blowing everything else up! If you're gonna worsen the situation, at least go to a place where you'll suffer all the damage!"

"I fail to see the logic in that."

"GO!"

So, Jack was standing in front of an inferno, armed with a watering can. The village was doomed unless he could combat it somehow.

He ran in, noticing that all the water was gone or blocked off by fallen trees. This would so break his back and kill him, and he'd end up saying, "Stay gold, Grey" if he wasn't careful.

_Oh, crap! Karen!_

On days like these, she would be dancing in front of the carpenter's hut. And, out of fear, she might have dashed into the building for protection. The hut, filled with wood, would light up and burn to the ground instantly, and Karen's alcohol-filled breath wouldn't exactly help matters.

He blasted the door in two. Thankfully, it hadn't caught fire yet.

And inside the hut was the devil himself.

"Kai!" spat Jack, glaring. "Where is she?"

"Who are you referring to?" he said pleasantly.

"Go to hell! Karen!"

"She won't like that you told her to go to hell. Didn't you learn from the horse incident?"

"Damn you! Her bar shift is over, and there's no way she'd go back to her family! You're lying! Just tell me already!"

"Why should I?"

Jack bared his teeth like fangs and slammed an electrified hand through Kai's chest.

"Oh. That."

Kai waved a hand, and Karen was dragged into Jack's vision. She was unconscious, obviously from a head wound.

"Obviously, you learned nothing from the illusions," he commented, aggravated. "Not surprising, as you've suffered terrible paranoia as long as I've observed you. You're a madman. Leave me alone, and everything will be fine."

Glaring from a combination of fury and massive clouds of smoke, Jack chose to dismiss the final warning and kick Kai straight through the skull. He smirked in victory, only to notice Kai's face reforming after the attack.

"How the hell? I have godly powers…"

"Or maybe you're just some _dick_ who thinks he's Superman."

Needless to say, Jack stuck to the "I'm the Harvest God" mentality as well as he did to the "Kai is a demon" one. He struck a second time, breaking Kai's hand under his foot.

The demon threw his opponent into one of the carpenter's shelves, almost sending an axe through Jack. Almost instantly afterward, a blue burst of energy cut into Kai's chest. After gazing through the crater in his flesh, he decided that the fight was over. He resisted the urge to shout, "OWNED!" at the top of his lungs, picked up Karen's unconscious form, triggered a bit of rain (oh, so _now_ he figured it out) and left.

And, for a while, Jack thought he'd resolved all his problems. The demon must have been blown to bits, he'd stopped the fire, and he'd saved Karen's life.

---

"Oh my…"

The priest, whose sole purpose was being with the children constantly (but that's not suspicious at all…), was on a field trip with the three local kids. He stared in horror at the sight of Kai, their beloved… wine-making guy (you come up with a better job description).

The young man was critically injured. There was a hole straight through his body, and the skin around it was charred.

"Oh… Harvest Goddess…" He fell to his knees, begging. "…save this young man…please…"

The goddess, being somewhat sane, would never allow her powers to be used for saving the lives of demonic, soulless, evil people. But now that the priest expected an impossible recovery, the demon could bind Kai's body back together and have it thought of as a miracle, rather than the act of a demon.

His face lit up in joy as he saw Kai struggle to his feet as skin grew over the hole. Even the ridiculous amounts of blood Kai was coughing in his face couldn't ruin the priest's happiness.

"Jack…" wheezed the young man. "He…he did this…"

"Don't worry, lad. I'll spread the goddess's love the one way I can… by ensuring that he is killed. Violently."

"Good…"

---

Karen awoke in a small shack. It was in no way modern, even by the village's standards. There was a table, carpet, bed, and a TV. A massive bathroom had been added on, as large and complex as a dungeon, which stuck out dramatically. There was no kitchen; it seemed that the owner had been living off a half-full plastic bag stuffed with rice cakes. She got out of the bed to find that crazy farmer looking through his backpack to find medicinal herbs.

"Wha… what happened?" she asked, confused. In her head, she'd already come up with an answer: "Oh Goddess… he just abducted me."

"There was a fire. From…" He searched for a proper, non-incriminating term, "…natural causes." Jack's eyes darted back and forth. "Really. Not arson."

"Oh…yeah." Karen gripped her head. "Damn, this hurts."

"Oh, that's 'cause some demon thing must have beat you over the head and dragged you into the carpenter's place," Jack added casually.

"Makes sense," she replied, rolling her eyes. She just wasn't used to it, Jack reasoned.

"Hey, I saved your life!"

"Yes, and I guess you're not as horrible as everyone says you are…"

Unbeknownst to the two, a pink haired young woman was staring in through the window in horror.

"Jack!" she shouted at the top of her lungs, nearly causing Jack to fall to the ground. "Get away from that horrible, drunken slut! Oh yeah, and everyone's out to get your blood…again."

"So!" the farmer snapped back. "What else is new? But this time, Karen actually likes me!"

His door was broken down under Harris's foot. It had been shattered by a massive amount of force, as if the rage was so great that it manifested and started destroying Jack's private property on its own. The mailman grabbed both Jack's arms behind his back and shouted, "We got 'im!"

"What did I do this time?" snapped Jack, losing his tolerance for being lynched by angry mobs. It was one of the less enjoyable parts of his routine.

"Are you familiar with the term 'murder', you vineyard worker hating bastard?" Harris growled, tightening his grip. "Or are senseless murders a part of daily life in a city?"

"Actually--"

"Don't answer that!" Jack suddenly felt a fist connect with the back of his head, releasing a booming 'KLUDD!' Harris wasted no time, instantly calling out, "Rick! You got the rope?"

"Better!" boasted the geeky lad. His dorky smile spread across his face as he presented the mailman with a bundle of regular-looking, unimpressive rope. "I invented a new, super-rope guaranteed to work without any tr--"

The mass of rope in his hands spontaneously combusted while still in Rick's hands, causing him to instinctively toss the rope away. It twirled around and constricted Harris, preventing him from moving, at least until the fire could die down. Having no time to thank whatever deity was looking out for him, Jack dashed to the door, thinking his luck would last.

This was disproved the instant Thomas kicked him in the stomach, sending him to the floor, writhing in pain. He just had to think that, didn't he?

"AAAaacCK…" groaned Jack, adding more nonsensical, extraneous syllables to the grunt.

"Not even the Harvest God can save you now!" boasted the mayor, feeling victorious for once in his pathetic existence.

"Yeah, that's for sure…" Jack agreed. "Stupid…powers…wake…up…"

They didn't.


	19. Exile

**Krazy Kai**

**Chapter Nineteen: Exile**

After finding some _regular_ rope to detain Jack in, the angry mob burst out of the farm and into the square. The horse festival booths had been converted into gallows, towering menacingly over Jack. Harris pushed the farmer towards the inevitable death that awaited him.

But even if Jack had more misfortune than a comic book character that had been erased from existence five times a year, he still found ways to escape. He couldn't die at the hands of the mob, because fate wanted to prolong the oddity that was his life. And now he was a god, which helped somewhat.

"Why isn't there a noose?" snapped Harris, aggravated because he was doing all the work in this execution. "We need a noose, people!"

"I--" was all Rick could manage to get out before a booming, "NO!" from Harris crashed down on him.

"But this is a variation," Rick insisted. "This is non-flammable, and tightens very well for when we…you know…hang him."

"Fine, fine," Harris agreed against his will, hoping it would get the geek out of his hair, if only for a little while. "Just put it up there and I'll get back to you in a second, okay?"

His face brightening, the redhead ran off to eagerly set up the death-machine.

This joy wasn't exclusive to Rick. Jack knew that this was going to backfire horribly on the mob. Hell, even Harris knew it, but he went along with Rick's plan anyway. Jack definitely had an optimistic attitude for a guy awaiting his execution.

Feigning terror, he clenched his eyes shut, as if he were trying to escape. But Rick would do that for him. The noose fell onto the bottom of his neck.

"Oh, da--" The mailman swung his arm wildly, his finger burnt by the ignited rope. "I knew it! Rick, this is why no one buys anything from you!"

Jack smirked. He knew it. But there was one thing he hadn't foreseen:

If the rope was going to burst into flames, it would hurt like hell if it was around his neck when it happened.

Once the universe recovered from the massive sonic blast from Jack's scream, he leapt over the horse racetrack wall. Karen, the only one to notice him amongst the chaos he'd generated, ran after him. He'd revealed that he was a good person. She couldn't let them kill him—until he proved her wrong.

* * *

"Well, now what are you going to do?"

Her voice immediately caught Jack's attention. With all the confusion and burn wounds (he'd jumped in a pond, but the scars were still there. Still, they were comparitively mild.) in the past few hours, he had forgotten that Karen had stopped hating him.

They were standing in one of the forests in the outskirts of the island, far away from the village.

"I don't know," Jack answered, sitting on the ground. "I just had to get out because I was almost set on fire from the neck up. You didn't have to follow me. Just to let you know, there's no alcohol out in the woods."

"Don't you think I know that? Are you implying that I'm an alcoholic?"

"No, I was just observing that…whatever. We can't spend too much time here. They think I've murdered Kai."

"What?" Karen shouted, which narrowly avoided giving away their location. "How the hell can someone 'think' you've murdered someone? What's going on?"

"Well, I did blast a _tiny_ hole through him…"

"A…_tiny_…hole?" Karen questioned, twitching in restraint. "Tiny, you say…?"

"…Y…yes…"

"So you freaking shot a guy and you're saying it wasn't fatal at all?"

"Well, technically it was an energy blast." Oops.

"Oh, good, that's not worse at all! Well I hope you got that bandana you're so damned obsessed with!"

"…oh…no…"

"Oh, so now you've realized what you've done?"

"I forgot to take the bandana! Karen, this means that he could have recovered!"

"How terrible; an innocent vineyard worker wasn't brutally killed. Here, let's go into the village and fix that."

"For the last time, Kai. Is. A. DEMON!"

"I'll tell you what—I'll give you my family's property, even the dying, rotting vineyard, if you can prove that you're right."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't your dad protect it or anything?"

"He leaves it anywhere in the house when he staggers home drunk. I'm sure I could find it—AAUGH!"

The girl was immediately ripped off the ground by a massive, glowing, spectral, violet hand. Jack stared in horror as his one of his greatest fears was realized for the thousandth time: Kai had captured Karen.

He stared blankly at the chaotic scene as she struggled to escape Kai's grasp. He attempted to find a proper way to make her certain that she would be safe. "Don't worry, I'll stop him," and "Wait a minute, I'll save you," came to mind. But before he could shout these confident boasts, he blurted out:

"So, the deal includes _all_ the buildings, right?"


End file.
